


disconnect

by Sammee



Category: Free!
Genre: Confinement, Emotional Manipulation, Extremely Dubious Consent, M/M, Minor Violence, Non-Consensual Bondage, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Yandere
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-02-17 10:53:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2307080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammee/pseuds/Sammee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto hasn't realized that he has made a very bad decision.</p><p>Yandere!Haru. Set around S2E11.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Attempt at a yandere!Haru fic for tama. Shouldn't be more than 3 chapters.
> 
> >> outgoing texts  
> << incoming texts

"I’m going to a university in Tokyo."  
  
The second Makoto says that, Haru stops breathing. The loud pop of bursting fireworks fills his ears, their flickering light turning Makoto’s face shades of purple and yellow and green. The sight is so surreal that Haru thinks he must be in another dream. That would be the only way Makoto would be talking to him like this, telling him that he had to swim, that it was his future.  
  
Of course, it’s a dream.  
  
How else could Makoto be before him, saying that he was leaving?  
  
Even though Makoto isn’t real, Haru still can’t hold back his words. He runs away, wishing that he would just wake up already.  
   
Curled up in bed, the covers pulled over his head, Haru waits for the nightmare to hurry and end. It must be hours before exhaustion starts to pull at him and sleep finally comes. Just before it takes him, Haru’s mind goes completely blank. _Oh no_ , he thinks.  
  
 _It had been real._  
  
The realization drives every possibility of sleep from his mind. He bites at the pad of his thumb, running the exchange through his head over again. Makoto… had decided his future? Without him? Without even asking him? Without even talking to him about it?  
  
The longer he thinks about it, the more restless he feels. What had Makoto been thinking? He regrets running off now. What are his reasons? He needs to hear those more than anything.  
  
His hand slips out from under the covers to the nightstand and tightly grasps his phone. He brings it beneath the large blanket to his face. Holding his breath, he turns on the screen to see— two new messages. Rei and Nagisa.  
  
Nothing from Makoto.  
  
That makes something unpleasant rise up inside of him. Why hadn’t Makoto tried to call him? Makoto always tried to make sure he was alright, but this time… not even a message had been left for him.  
  
Haru opens a new text, typing urgently.  
  
>>Makoto, we need to talk.  
  
He doesn’t get a response for what feels like forever. That anxious feeling only keeps building as he stares at his phone, waiting.  
  
>>Makoto, please call me as soon as possible.  
  
He is probably sleeping, Haru thinks. But then he thinks, it’s only a little past midnight and they have a whole week off. Maybe…he doesn’t want to talk to Haru? Is he avoiding him?  
  
>>I need to talk to you now.  
  
He considers calling Makoto, but multiple calls would likely wake up the rest of his family. He reasons that Makoto will eventually answer him if he is persistent, and if Makoto is truly asleep, the phone’s buzzing from his text messages will eventually wake him up. It will work.  
  
>>Makoto.  
  
>>Are you there?  
  
Nothing.  
  
>>Makoto.  
  
>>Are you asleep?  
  
Nothing. Maybe he is.  
  
>>Makoto.  
  
>>Please wake up.  
  
Nothing. Worry grips his heart.  
  
>>Makoto.  
  
>>I need to talk about what happened.  
  
Nothing.  
  
His heart starts to pound, and he can’t breathe.  
  
>>Hey, Makoto.  
  
>>Makoto.  
  
>>Makoto  
  
>>makoto  
  
>>makotot  
  
>>maktoot  
  
>>makotom  
  
>>makotomakotomakotomakotomakotomakotmaokt  
  
N  
O  
T  
H  
I  
N  
G  
  
When Haru checks the time, only twenty minutes have passed since he’d first glanced at his phone.  
  
He wonders if Makoto had turned his phone off— so that Haru couldn’t talk to him? No, that isn’t like Makoto at all. He would never purposely ignore him, or try to hurt him… It is far more likely that Makoto hadn’t texted him simply because his phone had died on him and he hadn't turned it back on. Haru knew how stress wore Makoto down; he’d probably gone home exhausted, too tired to recharge his phone, and passed out in bed with his socks still on.  
  
That is the only reasonable explanation. So why can’t Haru believe in it?  
  
Maybe he should just go over there. Sometimes Haru feels like Makoto’s house is more of a home than his own, and Haru knows exactly which window looks into Makoto's bedroom.  
  
One more message:  
  
>>I’m coming over.  
  
Then, Haru jumps out of bed, tugging on a pair of shorts. The night scenery is so different from the daytime, and tonight it is especially overwhelming. Even with the small lights illuminating the path to Makoto’s house, Haru shivers and wishes he had a flashlight. Slowly, he walks down the steps to Makoto’s and pauses in front of the door.  
  
What is he going to say? He hadn’t thought about it in the slightest. He’d been so fixated on just talking to Makoto and hearing his answers and explanations that he’d totally forgotten the other aspects there were to what happened. A dream. Makoto said he wanted him to have one. A future. That Rei and Nagisa wanted it, too. That they _loved_ him. Of course Makoto had brought them up, because no matter how much he seemed to understand him, he was extremely dense about things related to himself.  
  
Haru would ignore that for now. He would make Makoto tell him about the university first, about how and when and why and who even put this thought into his mind? Afterward, Haru's head would be clear, and he could think about how to answer Makoto’s words.  
  
Satisfied with that, Haru creeps over to the side of the house where Makoto's room is. For some reason, he feels terribly nervous. Dreading. Scared. Most likely, he'll just see Makoto's slumbering body cloaked in sheets, lightly snoring without a care in the world, completely oblivious to Haru's worry.  
  
He breathes in as he reaches the window, and takes a small peek through the corner the curtain doesn't completely cover.  
  
It's exactly as he's feared.  
  
Makoto, awake. Makoto, sitting on his bed. Makoto, deep in thought on the edge of his bed, his green eyes wide open and _awake_.  
  
Haru doesn't understand.  
  
Maybe Makoto had just woken up, and didn't realize that Haru is looking for him. Haru holds his phone in front of him with trembling fingers and types, carefully:  
  
>>Makoto? Please answer me.  
  
The phone on the nightstand lights up, and Makoto glances toward it. Then, his shoulders droop and he looks toward the floor, and Haru thinks he can just barely catch him mouthing the words: "Sorry, Haru."  
  
 _Sorry? Why are you sorry? If you're that sorry, you should pick up the phone. If you care about me at all, you should read my messages. If you and the others love me so much, you should listen to my wishes and will instead of forcing your hopes on me and acting upset when I don't want them._  
  
Haru's hand tightens around his phone, the other curling into a fist. Instead of screaming or yelling, he types.  
  
>>Makoto, I know you're awake.  
  
>>Makoto, pick up the phone.  
  
>>Why won't you even look?!  
  
Finally, the constant notifications get to Makoto, and Haru's chest fills with hope. Makoto leans over toward it and lifts the phone in his hands. Haru thinks he's so close, but then-- the screen goes black, and Makoto returns it to the nightstand.  
  
Just like that blackened screen, everything in Haru's eyes goes dark, too.  
  
  
The soft buzzing of an incoming text message is the first thing he registers in the morning. He blinks, wiping the sleep from eyes, and walks to table with a stiffness in his limbs.  
  
He reaches down, feeling for the phone. It's from Rin.  
  
<<What do you mean, nevermind? Can you really let him go on like this?  
  
He replies:  
  
>>It was pretty sudden, but Haru came to talk to me last night about everything. Haru and I are going to visit Tokyo. He said he wanted to see what I had decided to do, and that it would help him think about his future.  
  
<<What? I already bought him a ticket!  
  
>>I'm really sorry about the inconvenience! I'll definitely reimburse you!! It was just as surprising for me, but I couldn't say no to Haru when I saw him like that.  
  
He pauses after the message is sent, then adds:  
  
>>Thank you for listening to me and doing so much to help Haru. I really appreciate it, and I know he does, too.  
  
A long moment passes before he gets a response.  
  
<<Geez, tell a guy sooner if you're planning on changing things up.  
  
<<It's no problem, Makoto. You know... we're all friends, aren't we?  
  
He smiles.  
  
>>Yeah. Have a good time in Australia, Rin.  
  
<<Thanks.  
  
Haru sets the phone back onto the table, next to his own, and turns to the body laying on the futon beside his bed. He sighs as he watches the gentle rise and fall of Makoto's wide chest.  
  
Intending not to stir him, Haru brushes the curve of Makoto's jaw with his fingers. His hand lightly strokes through his brown hair, until he reaches a large knot. The crease between Makoto's brows becomes more pronounced when he touches it, and a frown comes to Haru's face.    
  
He hadn't meant to hit him so hard.  
  
The phone rings, and Makoto's face twitches. Haru pulls away, quickly answering it so the noise will not bother Makoto.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Oh, Haru!" Haru easily recognizes the voice to belong to Makoto's mother, filled with relief. "Thank goodness. I got worried when I saw that Makoto was gone when I woke up, but he's with you?"  
  
"Yes." The lie comes out smoothly when he says, "He came over late and said he couldn't sleep well. He's still out." Haru looks toward Makoto again, thinking that the way he'd bound him is probably uncomfortable. "Should I wake him up?"  
  
"No, that's not necessary!" Just as Haru had expected, she doesn't want to bother Makoto with a phone call. "I just wanted to make sure he's okay. He seemed upset last night, so please let him sleep in a little longer."  
  
"Okay." Haru is about to end the call, when he remembers. "I'm going with Makoto this week."  
  
"Oh, are you?" Her voice sounds surprised at first, then pleased, "I'm glad he'll be with you, then. I was worried about him on his own. I wish he would have told me earlier."  
  
"We just decided it last night."  
  
"Well, please come over for breakfast when you're ready. Makoto wanted to ride the 12 o'clock train!"  
  
"Sure." Haru hangs up. After thinking it over, he changes the notification mode to silent and slips the phone into his pocket.  
  
"Nngh..."  
  
He'd tried to be as quiet as possible, but Makoto begins to stir despite his efforts. A panic sweeps over him once he starts thinking about it. What sort of face should he make? Makoto's nose is crinkling, his eyes are twitching, and Haru is completely at a loss. Last night hadn't gone how he'd expected at all, and Makoto would probably be upset and confused. Especially when he realized what position he was in.  
  
Haru decides to try smiling. To make Makoto feel comfortable, a reassuring smile would be the best option.  
  
Makoto's eyelashes flutter, and his green eyes crack open a slit. Haru freezes for a second, then presses his lips into a tight smile.  
  
"Ha...ru?" Makoto's voice comes, low and raspy. The familiar sound draws the stiffness from Haru's expression until he looks almost normal.  
  
"Makoto," he says, and kneels down beside him. "You're awake."  
  
Makoto looks dazed. "Haru... What happened?" He turns and winces, "My... my head hurts..."  
  
"Don't worry," he tells him. "It's just a little bump."  
  
Blinking again as he tries to get his bearings, Makoto tries to sit up. His eyes widen when he realizes that he can't move his arms. Slowly, he looks down in shock, finding his legs tied together at the knees and ankles with a few spare sheets Haru had twisted into a makeshift rope. His arms are tied behind him, and Makoto tries to pull them apart once more— but Haru had made sure the knots were stable and tight before going to bed.  
  
Then, Makoto moves his head up to look at him, his face open and vulnerable. He swallows. His voice trembles. "Ha...ru...?"  
  
Haru smiles even though his heart is in turmoil, so that Makoto will be at ease, but it becomes a twisted little thing in the dark. "I'll untie you soon," he says. "Just answer what I ask. Did you already pack your things?" Makoto seems confused, but he gives a small nod. "Your mother wants us to come by for breakfast before we go to the station. We'll get your stuff then."  
  
Makoto's brow only gets more furrowed. Haru answers the unspoken question before he can ask it. "I told her that I'm coming with you. You wanted to walk around the campus and look at housing options, didn't you?"  
  
The tension in Makoto's body is a strange sight for Haru when it's just the two of them. He wonders if he's actually afraid, and a mix of conflicting emotions cascades over him, winding tight in his stomach. Makoto asks carefully, "...Did she tell you that?"  
  
Haru's lips curl downward. It isn't Makoto's turn to ask questions, so he ignores his words completely. "Did you tell anyone else that you were planning to go to Tokyo before you told me?"  
  
Makoto's expression falters, and his lips twitch. "Haru... I..."  
  
"Yes," Haru says, unable to keep the accusing tone out of his voice. "You did."  
  
"I kept meaning to tell you," Makoto says, pleading for him to understand, like he's desperate for Haru not to be angry with him. But Haru isn't angry. He's extremely irritated, upset, betrayed-- but not angry.  
  
Not yet.  
  
Haru pulls the green phone out of his pocket, clicking through the list of saved messages and scrolling down to the entry he wants to see. Makoto's eyes widen.  
  
"Four days ago." Haru turns it around to show Makoto the conversation he'd had with Rin.  
  
<<What are you planning to do, Makoto? You're not just dragging your feet, are you?  
  
<<I know you've thought about it. Come on, tell me.  
  
>>I'm thinking of going to Tokyo.  
  
<<What did Haru say about that?  
  
>>I haven't told him yet. Please don't say anything in the meantime. I'm going to tell him soon.  
  
Makoto's lips press together, in a very guilty expression. For some reason, Haru finds it pleasing.  
  
He pulls the phone back and finds the next conversation, this time with Nagisa. "Later that same day." He places the screen in front of Makoto's face so he can read the words.  
  
<<Mako-chan! Have you thought about what you're going to do after we graduate?  
  
>>A little.  
  
<<Oh, what is it!  
  
<<Tell me, pleeeaaase~!  
  
>>I might go to a university in Tokyo.  
  
<<Wow! That's really far, Mako-chan...  
  
<<Did you tell Haru-chan yet?  
  
>>No. I will soon. Don't mention it until I do, okay?  
  
Haru finds the next set of messages, this time, from Rei. "Three days ago."  
  
<<Nagisa-kun told me that you're planning to go to Tokyo when you graduate. Have you talked to Haru-senpai about it yet?  
  
>>I'm going to talk to him about it as soon as possible... I just haven't had a good opportunity to bring it up.  
  
<<Make sure that you do it soon. It's better to talk about it now.  
  
>>I will, I promise. Thanks for worrying, Rei.  
  
"So why," Haru says softly, and the hand holding the phone is shaking now, "did I only find out about this last night?"  
  
"Haru... I—" Makoto tries to answer, but Haru slams the cell shut and hoists it into the air with such ferocity that the words die in his throat.  
  
"Why," and Haru's voice sounds far louder than when he started, especially in the silence of the morning, "did you tell everyone except me, Makoto?!" Haru pitches his raised arm, flinging the phone hard against the floor beside Makoto's head. It bounces twice.  
  
Makoto trembles uncontrollably, his eyes wet and shining brightly. "H-haru," he says so very weakly, "I'm sorry... I meant to tell you sooner... I'm so sorry..."  
  
But Haru isn't satisfied. He isn't finished yet.  
  
"Then, you ignore all of my messages because you're too much of a coward to talk to me." He knows he's being cruel, but all the feelings have been building and building over the last few days, and he needs to get them all out. "And to make it worse... you even tried to pawn me off on Rin and send me to _Australia_ without a word?" He scoffs, remembering the sinking feeling in his stomach when he'd first read Makoto's messages. Of course, he had taken the first opportunity to message Rin that Makoto had changed his mind, and that Haru would be staying in Japan.  
  
Haru leans down, gazing hard at Makoto's pitiful face, and grips the collar of his shirt. "If you were so concerned about me, why didn't you try to help me yourself?!"  
  
He takes in heavy breaths and slowly releases Makoto's shirt, suddenly feeling lighter with that off his chest. Makoto only stares at him wordlessly for a long moment, his mouth gaping open. Then, he raises his knees and he turns his head to the side, pressing his face into the futon as much as he can while on his side. The movement puzzles Haru at first, until he hears a soft sob.  
  
"I'm... sorry..." Makoto squeezes his eyes shut and tries to hide his tears, but Haru can see the wetness against his cheeks.  
  
Just as quickly as it came, that sense of release disappears, and Haru feels unbelievably guilty. "Makoto... No, I'm the one who's sorry. Don't cry." He bends down to undo the knots he'd spent so long on last night, until Makoto's arms and legs are free.  
  
Pulling him into his arms, Haru begins to berate himself as Makoto presses his face against his shoulder. What had come over him...? He'd gone too far in venting out his frustrations, only concerned with how he'd been wronged, rather than thinking about how Makoto felt. Haru knows better than anyone how gentle he is, how easily hurt and frightened he can be...  
  
Then, Haru thinks of what had started this whole thing, and the hand rubbing soothing circles on Makoto's back pauses. At least, he thought he knew Makoto before. But _that_ Makoto would never do this, would he?  
  
"I-I'm sorry, Haru..." Makoto mumbles into his shirt.  
  
"It's okay," Haru says, and takes a deep breath. "I was just upset. I got mad."  
  
Shaking his head, Makoto gasps out, "No, you're right... I was... a coward..."  
  
Haru pets his hair gently, careful of the bump over his ear. "I'll forgive you," he says, then adds, "if you let me come with you to Tokyo. I want to see the decision you've made." Haru thinks it's a good thing Makoto hasn't lifted his head yet, or he'd see the scowl that sentence had brought to his face.  
  
"O-okay." A sniff, and Makoto's crying begins to lessen. Haru holds him for a long time. Even though Makoto is so big now, all he can think of is the tiny, nervous boy he'd first become acquainted with. When Makoto's breath evens out, he finally pulls away and Haru feels a pang at the sight of his reddened eyes.  
  
Makoto nods at him, and gives him a wobbly smile. "If that's what it takes for Haru to forgive me, it's fine. I'll show you everything, okay, Haru?"


	2. Chapter 2

Makoto accepts Haru's intense outburst better than he does himself. Once the redness has disappeared from Makoto's eyes, they go to his house for breakfast. Haru had already packed his things last night, when he'd decided that he would be going with Makoto, so after breakfast it's off to the train station.  
  
Makoto's family sees them off, Ren and Ran begging for Makoto to bring them back souvenirs. Haru wonders if Makoto would have brought him anything from Tokyo if he'd gone alone.  
  
The whole time, Haru doesn't let Makoto out of his sight. Makoto is certainly trusting and kind, and his best friend since they were children, but Haru thinks that after the events of the previous day, he should be at least a little more on guard. Somehow, Makoto acts completely normal.   
  
Haru does his best to act normal, too. But inside, he feels suspicious.  
  
He does not let Makoto have his phone back. Instead, he pretends that he'd ended up breaking it earlier, and tells Makoto he'll find a place to get it fixed in Tokyo.  
  
It's six o'clock by the time they've finally checked in to their hotel, and Makoto collapses onto the bed with a sigh. "I'm glad we're finally here."  
  
"You'll have to do that whenever you go home," Haru says as he unpacks his bag beside his bed.   
  
Makoto looks over at him and sighs as he thinks about it. "...Maybe I should fly instead."  
  
They decide to eat at a restaurant across from the hotel, too drained from the day to go somewhere further. It's still early when they get back to their room, but Makoto's eyelids are already starting to droop.   
  
During their trip, Makoto spoke in detail about his plans for the week. In the morning, they would take the subway to the university and have a look around at the campus. Then, they'd take a break to check out the surrounding area and get a late lunch.   
  
Makoto frowns sleepily, not yet resigned to retiring for the night. Instead, he lays halfway on the top sheet, staring at the television. Haru can see how his eyes can't quite focus on it, fluttering closed for a few seconds, as he breathes in slowly. Then, he blinks, and continues trying to stay awake.  
  
"Makoto," he says finally.  
  
"I'll stay up for a little bit longer," Makoto pleads, like a little kid trying to slither out of his bedtime.  
  
A brief smile touches Haru's lips at the thought. "Not that." His mouth settles into a straight line. "...Is your head okay?"  
  
"Huh?" Makoto turns to him, eyebrows raising. When he sees Haru's serious expression, he nods. "Yeah, it's nothing. It's a bit sore, but I don't even notice it unless I touch it." He gives Haru a reassuring smile.   
  
It just makes him feel worse. "Makoto... I'm..."  
  
"It's okay. I hardly remember how it happened, anyway." Makoto is such a good person that he tries to alleviate Haru's guilt no matter what. If Haru is honest with himself, he would admit that it is one of the most infuriating qualities about Makoto. "I didn't think you would get that upset... but I know what I did was wrong. I already forgive you."  
  
Looking at Makoto's face, Haru's heart clenches tightly. Ever since he'd met Makoto there's been an odd feeling in his chest, but lately it had started to become unbearable. Last night, when Makoto had told him that he was planning to leave Iwatobi, his heart had felt like it was about to burst. He'd never had such pain before, and he'd ended up lashing out at Makoto because of it.  
  
But now that he is calm and he thinks about it, the name of this agonizing, tender emotion is more than obvious. Haru pulls the covers away from his body, and gets out of bed. Makoto glances at him curiously, sitting up on the edge of his mattress, as Haru walks toward him. "Haru?"  
  
Haru sits next to him. Of course, that emotion was responsible for making him have so many strange urges and thoughts whenever he was around Makoto. It had to be why he'd freaked out last night, and treated Makoto so cruelly in the morning. Haru feels frightened of himself. Could it really be such a double-edge sword, that it made him want to hold Makoto tight one moment, and hold him down the next?  
  
The previous week had been very trying for Haru, but in retrospect, it had been equally illuminating. He'd always had unsorted thoughts filling his head, but only when they'd come bursting out had he realized what they pointed to. Concerning swimming, and the future, and the way he felt about Makoto.  
  
"Makoto..." he says quietly. Makoto tilts his head, waiting for him to continue. With Makoto's attention on him, Haru feels a bit flustered. He can feel his cheeks warming slightly, and he looks to the side. "I... still appreciate you. Always."   
  
When Haru peeks out of the corner of his eye, he's stunned by the lovely, blossoming grin on Makoto's face. The words had stumbled out on their own, not quite the ones he'd been trying to say. Given the courage make a second attempt, he turns to him and says, "Makoto..." Again, his voice stops in his throat right there.  
  
He swallows tightly, frozen, and resists the urge to run away. Would Makoto give him an even more beautiful expression if he told him? Or would he smile sadly, flattered, but unreceptive and asking for forgiveness? Haru tells himself that he will be able to run away all he wants after he's said it, and that releases the stiffness from his body, though it does not loosen his tongue in the slightest.  
  
After watching Haru for a few long moments, Makoto starts to look at him less with curiosity and more concern. "What's wrong, Ha--" Makoto's sentence stops right there, when Haru leans forward and seals his lips with his own.  
  
Haru closes his eyes shut tight, too fearful to see any signs of rejection. Just as suddenly as the kiss began, it ends, and Haru pulls away, panting. He doesn't want to know Makoto's reaction just yet, so bows his head and backs away, preparing to mumble an excuse about needing to get a drink from the lobby. But even out of his peripheral, he can see Makoto's shock as plain as day, and it hurts so much it knocks the wind out of him.   
  
Excuse completely forgotten, Haru tries to run away; just like the night before, Makoto stops him with a hand on the wrist.   
  
"Haru," he says, out of breath, and Haru doesn't have anything to say for himself, so he just stands there, and lets Makoto hold his wrist. "Haru, I..."   
  
Haru bites his lip, waiting for Makoto to tell him that he doesn't feel that way-- he only prays that it isn't because of someone else, because Haru does not know how if he will be able to take that.   
  
Makoto's breath quickens, and his voice dips, quiet and hesitant as he murmurs, "I like you, too."  
  
Haru thinks he must have heard wrong. He raises his head and peeks at Makoto's face. The surprise has been long washed away, and instead his cheeks are flushed and his eyes are full of emotion. It's what Haru had been hoping to hear, but he still feels incredulous.  
  
 "I... hurt you, and made you cry," Haru finally rasps out.   
  
Makoto lets go of his arm and moves to grasp his hand instead. He pulls Haru forward, until he's standing right in front of him. "Haru was crying, too," he says, "but I ignored it."  
  
It takes a few seconds before what he's saying really registers, and even longer before Haru can actually believe it. "Makoto..." he says, and steps forward, even closer, so their chests are nearly touching. Makoto reddens when Haru adjusts his grip, linking their fingers together. "Makoto," Haru sighs out. If Makoto wasn't holding onto him, he just might float away.  
  
He stands on his toes and presses another kiss to Makoto's mouth, this time harder, channeling all of his feelings against his lips. Against his chest, he can feel the deep inhale Makoto takes before he begins to respond. Makoto is just as thoughtful in kissing as he is in everything else, turning his head slightly and leaning over so Haru can kiss him more deeply.   
  
When Haru rubs his tongue against his lips, they part easily, and Makoto releases a quiet moan into his mouth. Haru slips his free hand up the expanse of Makoto's chest, rubbing at his firm muscles. Of course he'd touched Makoto before, but he'd never been able to do so this slowly and intimately, never had the chance to caress his abs as he tastes the sweet warmth of his mouth.  
  
"H-haru," Makoto gasps out when they finally part. Haru notices that his pupils are blown wide, but he can't pull his gaze away from the nervous way Makoto licks his wet lips. "I want to touch you, Haru," he whines quietly, and that sends lust like lightning down Haru's spine.  
  
Haru swallows twice before he can open his mouth. Not confident in his voice, he ends up answering with a curt nod. Makoto presses his hands against Haru's sides, drawing them up his torso, gradually, like he's examining something with care. Once he reaches his chest, Makoto flushes a spectacular shade of pink and gently pinches at Haru's clothed nipple.   
  
Haru sharply inhales, biting his lip as Makoto continues rubbing at it. Somehow, he feels more exposed with Makoto's hands on his clothed body than when he's in his swimsuit. Haru lets Makoto move his hands down his back, and can't hold back a slight smile when he feels Makoto's fingers skate just barely against his ass.   
  
Then, Makoto dips his head down to kiss Haru sweetly, squeezing at the backs of his thighs. Now that Makoto is becoming bolder, Haru can feel himself getting more heated. Winding his arms around Makoto's shoulders, Haru pulls their bodies even closer together, until they're practically overlapping.   
  
Makoto releases a very startled noise into Haru's mouth, as something very firm comes in contact with Haru's lower stomach. He breaks the kiss, frantic and apologetic, but Haru isn't bothered. "It's okay. Me too," he murmurs low, nudging his erection against Makoto's thigh.  
  
Makoto gulps audibly, but otherwise doesn't move, still unsure of the next action to take. Seeing Makoto so hesitant only reinforces Haru's guilt towards doubting him before. Everyone made mistakes, and Makoto had beaten himself up over hurting him. Even after all Haru had told him, Makoto still hesitates. They're both thinking the same thing, but he's so worried about pressuring him and making sure he's comfortable. So Haru is the one to say it out loud. "I want to keep going. To the end."  
  
"A-are you sure?" Makoto's voice comes out strangled, like he has to stop himself from just diving in without a care.   
  
"Yeah. Do you want to?" Haru says.  
  
Makoto breathes out, "Yes," so quietly Haru almost misses it. But even if he had, he wouldn't be able to miss Makoto surging forward to crush their lips together. Haru is surprised with his enthusiasm, and encouraged. He slips his hands up Makoto's shirt, rubbing patterns into Makoto's toned back and soaking in the heat of those tight muscles.  
  
He drops his fingers to Makoto's hips and tugs them forward as he raises his own. Makoto whimpers into his mouth, bucking reflexively and grinding their erections harder together. The wonderful sensation only makes Haru want more, and he knows Makoto must be thinking the same. Just as quickly, Makoto's strong arms settle around Haru's thighs and lift him up. Haru's shock only lasts for a moment as Makoto quickly lays him down on his bed and joins him there.   
  
Makoto tries to kiss him, but Haru presses a finger to his lips, his need growing at an amazing pace. "Clothes," he says, and begins to strip off his own in record time. It takes Makoto a little longer, there's a sense of urgency as he pulls off his shorts.   
  
Makoto is so preoccupied with disrobing that he doesn't seem embarrassed at all, until he's completely naked. Only then does he start to fidget nervously. Haru looks over him with a new sense of admiration. Makoto had always been cute, objectively handsome, and well-built, but under lust's lens Haru thinks he's gorgeous, sexy, and that he wants him in ways that aren't just emotional.  
  
"Haru..." Makoto's eyes are flickering over Haru's body just as intently. "Can I... try something?"  
  
In what universe could he ever say no to that, in this circumstance? Haru nods, eager to see what sort of thing Makoto is interested in doing to him. He had never thought about Makoto quite in this way before, but he wonders if that had been true for Makoto? Did he think about them like this? They'd stayed in the same hotel room multiple times now-- had he ever hoped that they'd be sprawled out on the same bed, naked and wanting? It seems both strange and exciting to think (but then that darker thought comes back, the one that says, _if Makoto likes me, then why is he leaving?_ until Haru pushes it away).   
  
Makoto moves over him, pushing Haru onto his back. He starts at his lips, giving Haru a brief, but intense kiss, then presses his lips to Haru's jawline. It's a little ticklish when Makoto kisses his throat, and licks it, but the warm, wet feeling of his tongue does something to him. His skin feels hypersensitive as Makoto continues, peppering kisses down his shoulders. Coming to one of Haru's nipples, Makoto licks it and brings one hand to roll the other between his fingers, pinching more firmly than before.   
  
Haru hadn't thought something like that would be pleasurable before, but it sends a certain thrill through him to have Makoto doing it. That thrill builds higher as Makoto trails further downward, his tongue tracing the center of his abs. He gasps when Makoto kisses the space just below his navel, and pets at the inside of his thigh.   
  
Makoto's breath is downright torturous so close to his cock, his fingertips almost grazing his groin, but not quite. It isn't until he grounds out, "Ma-koto," between breaths that Makoto raises his hand, coiling around the base of his erection. Haru's head falls back, "Nnnn..." Makoto's hand feels so different compared to his own, larger and rougher and so much better.   
  
Makoto's face is flushed, but there's an excitement there, stronger than his embarrassment. Haru watches as Makoto leans forward and trails his tongue up the length of his cock. The sight of it is just as good as the physicality. He'd never thought Makoto would end up being such a tease, but he spends minutes repeating the action, just brushing his tongue up and down, and very occasionally licking a more substantial path.   
  
Haru groans with frustration, and Makoto takes that as a sign to go forward. He shifts his position so that he's between Haru's legs completely, and takes the cockhead in his mouth. Haru's fingers clench the sheets, the warmth and slick wetness of Makoto's mouth so unbearably amazing-- and that's before he even starts doing other things, like swirling his tongue over the tip.  
  
"Oh, god..." Haru moans, as Makoto starts to actually suck on it. He pushes his head forward, taking more into his mouth.  
  
One of Haru's hands moves to Makoto's hair, the opposite side from where he still has a slight bump, and strokes through the strands. Makoto seems to be motivated by the response, so he goes even further, taking Haru's cock more than halfway before sliding back to the crown.   
  
Haru has to remember to blink as he watches, not wanting to miss a moment as Makoto bobs his head. The wet noises that Makoto makes as he sucks only amplify Haru's enjoyment. He never could have imagined seeing Makoto like this, and Haru finds that he really, really likes it.   
  
Makoto starts to stroke him in time, tugging at his cock in such a way that his lips and hand meet in the middle. Pressure building, Haru's thighs begin to tremble, and his hand stops stroking Makoto's hair, instead staying right in place. He wants to badly to buck upward, and make Makoto take his full length, but he doesn't want to make him gag (even if the thought is strangely arousing).   
  
Makoto's lips are red and plump, glistening from saliva, and Haru doesn't think he will ever be able to erase the sight from his mind. His breath grows labored and uneven as Makoto strokes him faster, and Haru ends up biting as his fingers so doesn't start moaning uncontrollably. Just as Haru thinks he's getting so close, Makoto pulls his mouth off his cock. He moves to Haru's thighs, licking and nipping lightly at the soft skin there.   
  
"Makoto..." Haru keens until Makoto comes back to his erection. Instead of going back to sucking, he licks a wide stripe up the underside of his cock.   
  
"Does it feel that good, Haru?" Makoto asks. If it came from anyone else, Haru would expect there to be a wicked tone, but Makoto asks it completely earnestly, like he wants to make sure he's doing a good job. As if Haru practically sobbing from want isn't a big enough indicator.  
  
Haru nods and pushes his fingers through Makoto's hair. "It feels very good. I'm... going to come if you keep it up." That answer must please Makoto, because he gives Haru a shy smile and moves forward wrap his lips around Haru's cock once again. A low purr rolls out of his throat, and Haru uses one hand to prop himself up a little, so he can see everything.   
  
Makoto looks up at him, sucking even harder as Haru watches. Shaking all over now, Haru gasps with every movement of Makoto's hot mouth on his cock, his eyes fluttering closed when Makoto tries taking him in as far as he can, almost to the base.  
  
"Makoto," he whispers, hoarse, "I'm going to..."  
  
"Mmmm," Makoto moans around him, not even pausing in his motions. He has to hold Haru's hips still because by now he keeps trying to buck into Makoto's mouth, fingers tight in his hair. Thoughts of anything other than his impending climax have been lost somewhere Haru can't reach.  
  
Haru bites his lip hard enough to bleed, groaning out as his pleasure reaches its peak. It's so close he can practically taste it, every muscle in his body tensing-- and then, his cock pulses. Haru's mind goes completely blank as he spurts his release straight onto Makoto's tongue. His body relaxes, and Haru unclenches his fingers in Makoto's hair, letting out a long, heavy sigh.  
  
He can feel Makoto swallowing his semen, and that's almost as good as the orgasm itself. "Makoto," he finally says when he catches he breath, and Makoto moves up to lay beside him. "That was... really good."  
  
But he hasn't forgotten about Makoto, and how could he with his cock pressing against his hip, demanding attention. "Should I...?" Haru asks, thinking about doing the same to Makoto.  
  
"Just touch me, please," Makoto begs. He sounds so needy that Haru can't think of declining. He reaches down and carefully wraps his hand around Makoto's aching erection. It feels thick and heavy in his hands, bigger than his own and warmer, too. Makoto lets out a whine almost the second Haru moves his hand.  
  
Haru begins to jerk him off slowly, marveling in how good it feels to do this. It's completely different from masturbating, and with every twitch of Makoto's cock, another jolt of excitement cuts through him. Each little sigh and moan Makoto gives into his shoulder encourages him further, and Haru thinks that he's likely the only person who has seen him like this (he'd better be).   
  
"Does it feel good?" Haru asks, stroking him faster now, loving the way Makoto's hips push against his hand.   
  
"Yes." Makoto whimpers, burying his face into Haru's neck. His breath is stuttered, punctuated with little whines as Haru tugs at his cock. Precome starts to ooze from the head of Makoto's cock, and Haru presses his thumb against the tip, spreading it over the crown. He drops his other hand to cup Makoto's balls, gently brushing their sensitive skin as he watches the line of Makoto's body.  
  
Haru doesn't think it will be long now, not with the way Makoto begins to curl up further against him. Whenever Haru pauses in his stroking, Makoto rolls his hips, thrusting in and out of his fist. "Are you close?" he asks, and Makoto simply nods against him, not even able to form a coherent sentence.   
  
All Haru can think is that he wants to see it. He pushes at Makoto's shoulder, murmuring, "I want to see your face." Slowly, Makoto draws back, and the sight is incredible. He's flushed all the way to his ears, his eyes are teary, and his lips are still dark red. Haru thinks he looks perfect.  
  
He starts to move his hand quicker, jerking him off harder; Makoto squeezes his eyes shut and his lips move with silent pleading until Haru can feel his cock twitch in his hand. Once, twice, and then Makoto's brow furrows and he opens his mouth, moaning loudly. Haru can feel his come dribbling onto his hands and he lifts one, licking at it. Makoto's semen... It was salty and bitter, as he expected, but Haru thinks he could get used to the taste.  
  
"H-haru..." Makoto looks mortified after watching him licking his fingers.   
  
Haru just presses a kiss to his lips.   
  
They wash up afterward, and after a bit of awkward maneuvering, find that they can fit comfortably enough on one bed. Haru lays in the cradle of Makoto's arms. Despite the rollercoaster the morning had been, he wonders if this could be the best day of his life.  
  
  
They wake up late in the morning, but Makoto doesn't seem to mind being behind schedule. They'll postpone the visit of the campus one more day, and instead focus on looking at the different housing options close to the university.   
  
Throughout the day, Haru can't stop looking at Makoto. In his head are two very conflicting things: One, Makoto likes me. Two, Makoto is going to Tokyo. These two ideas don't seem to mash up at all, and he doesn't know how to bring it up to him. He doesn't think that Makoto had been lying when he said he liked him, and the way that Makoto examines each of the apartment complexes in question shows Haru how serious he is about moving to Tokyo.  
  
When they finally make it back to the hotel, Haru thinks that this is his chance to figure out, until Makoto pulls him close and kisses him gently. Truthfully, Haru needs to know what this means, where they are going from here, but when Makoto touches him it's so easy to forget about the things that are difficult. He doesn't have to worry about the future and what sort of dream or aspiration he should be working toward. He can just exist in the present, with Makoto by his side.  
  
Makoto wants to be on campus by nine to talk to an adviser, so Haru has to settle for some light kissing and cuddling before bed.   
  
Waking up in Makoto's arms is something Haru wishes he could experience everyday. Makoto is warm and smooth against his back, his soft breath against his ear. Haru doesn't want to move, and he honestly can't work up the will to do so, though he knows they should get ready as soon as possible. Five minutes later, Makoto begins to stir, and Haru reminds him of the time without a guilty conscience.   
  
The university campus looks quite large from what Haru sees on the way to the main office. Makoto has to wait thirty minutes before he's able to see an advisor, but once his form disappears into their office, Haru begins to feel anxious. He grabs a handful of pamphlets and flyers from a nearby display and starts to read them. By the time Makoto returns to the lobby, Haru's read through the list of degree programs available, about financial aid, academic societies and social clubs.  
  
Makoto doesn't tell him what he talked about. Haru ignores that fact.  
  
"Do they have a pool?" he asks as they walk to another building full of classrooms.  
  
"Mmm, yeah, but it's only accessible when you have a student ID..." Makoto raises the map and points to the recreational building. "It's an indoor pool."  
  
Indoor pools aren't bad. Though Haru doesn't think he's found a pool he doesn't like yet (until he remembers that this is the pool that Makoto will be swimming in without him).  
  
As their tour continues, and Haru wonders about the future despite himself. He'd just wanted to see what Makoto's plans are, but when confronted with it, Haru feels a sense of panic, like he'd been dropped out of the air and is in freefall. Maybe that's the real reason Makoto had let him come along, he thinks bitterly.  
  
The future that Makoto has chosen looks perfectly maintained and cutting edge when they look at all the classrooms and labs. Even the outdoor landscaping is beautiful, despite being in the city. Using a local area guide that Haru had found in one of the student centers, Makoto finds a small restaurant for them to have lunch, and they spend the rest of the day looking at other suggestions listed there.  
  
Haru thinks that the university is a great place, but Tokyo is six hours away by train, and flying is expensive and not much faster when everything else is considered. Going back and forth would definitely be draining, and if Makoto was studying or involved in anything else over the weekend, it'd be on the side of impossible.   
  
So, Haru would have to be the one to see him. But what would he be doing?  
  
Once they come back to their hotel room with dinner, Makoto excitedly talks about the day and the certain facilities, and even their swim club. Haru is only half-listening as they eat.  
  
"Haru?" Makoto asks after he's gone a long time without saying anything. "Are you alright?"  
  
Haru decides that now is the best time to speak up. "...Before we came here, I said I wanted to see what you'd decided to do. I told Rin that it would help me think about what I wanted to do from now on, but I was just saying that. Still, I ended up thinking about it..." He looks to the side, speaking more softly, "Makoto's future... and my future..." Makoto looks at him, patiently listening as always.  
  
"The university you've chosen is impressive. I can imagine you fitting right in." Haru holds his breath for a second, and then says, "Makoto... what if I said I wanted to enroll in that place, too? Maybe we could even get an apartment together..."  
  
Makoto's brows raise, but instead of being overjoyed or excited for him, like he'd hoped, Makoto looks sheepish. He smiles, but there's a curve to his lips that makes his expression look anything other than happy.  
  
"Haru..." he says carefully, looking down at his folded hands. "I don't think... that's a good idea..."  
  
And everything turning in Haru's head grinds to a halt.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extremely dubious consent warning for the below chapter.

It takes five deep breaths and one whole minute before Haru can even process those words to their full extent. It has to be a joke, he thinks, but Makoto refuses to meet his eyes. Eventually he presses the words out, "What do you mean by that?"  
  
"I don't think that you should follow me to Tokyo," Makoto says again, slowly.  
  
"Why not?" Haru feels that familiar irritation welling up again, but his voice is weak and unsteady as he mutters, "You said you wanted me to find a future, and I did it. Now you're saying it's a bad idea?"  
  
"Haru, it's not that." Makoto finally picks up his head, but he still does not directly look at him. "I want you to find a future that you truly want. I don't want you to just pick anything because it's convenient."  
  
"Convenient?" Haru can't keep his outrage from bleeding into his words. "Is that what you think it is?"  
  
Biting his lip, Makoto's face has a stern expression that Haru hardly sees. "Then, what's your reasoning? Is it... because you seriously want to go there? Or is it because of me?"  
  
Haru frowns. Why doesn't Makoto think wanting to be with him is a good enough reason? He decides to answer with the truth. "I seriously want to go there, because you're going there."  
  
"Haru..." Makoto sounds exasperated, and Haru cannot understand exactly why. It makes him even more annoyed. "I don't want to be the only reason."  
  
Haru's jaw sets. "Then, I want to go because it's a good school and all the buildings are newly built, and because they have a swimming team and an indoor pool."  
  
Makoto doesn't seem to accept this answer, instead asking, "What do you want to major in?"  
  
"I'm undecided," he says.  
  
"Will you join any clubs?"  
  
"The swim club is all I need."  
  
Looking toward the hotel window, Makoto says, "I think I might try the soccer team."  
  
Haru's heart drops. Makoto... won't be swimming anymore? Haru enjoys swimming more than any other sport, but being on the swim team had never been about that. What's the point if none of his friends are going to be there with him? He looks down at his half-eaten plate. "...Soccer doesn't sound like it would be bad to try."  
  
Haru can tell it's the wrong answer when Makoto sighs and his shoulders drop. "See, Haru? You're just following me." Haru bites his lips, and wonders what the problem with that is. They'd been together for so many years already... isn't it normal for them to continue sticking together?  
  
The expression on Makoto's face says otherwise.  
  
He isn't smiling anymore. His mouth is in a solid, straight line. Makoto breathes in through his nose, and says, "I think it's better for us to be apart for a little bit."  
  
 _What?_  
  
"We should take a chance to grow as individuals..."  
  
 _Why?_  
  
"I've always been depending on you, Haru."  
  
 _What's wrong with that?_  
  
"I don't want you to go with me. I want you to find your own path."  
  
 _I don't understand._  
  
Until this moment, Haru could remember the beautiful tone to Makoto's voice as he whispered those precious words, "I like you, too." Now when he tries to replay it in his mind, the only thing he can hear is, _It's better for us to be apart_ and _I don't want you to go with me,_ over and over again.  
  
It's so ridiculous that he bursts out laughing. Makoto obviously does not expect this reaction, and he stares at him, worried. And that worry is tinged with something else-- fear? Does Makoto think he will hit him again? Haru thinks that it's awfully disingenuous of him, but also smart, because he just might.  
  
Once he stops laughing, all he feels is hollow inside. It's hilarious because of how absurd what's happening is, but the fact that it is happening at all is utterly regretful.  
  
"What are you saying?" Haru lowers his head, muttering quietly now, "Makoto, aren't you the one who said without me it was meaningless? Who said that you liked me? But now you're saying that we should just go our separate ways...?"  
  
"You know I don't mean it like that," Makoto says, and there's this desperation to his voice that a part of Haru wants to hear more of. "We can still see each other. It's not like I want us to stop talking or anything. I just... think we should have a little space between us. I don't want to keep depending on Haru for everything..." There it is again.  
  
Haru's head snaps up. "Why not? I don't get it. Why do you keep saying that?" He looks at Makoto pleadingly. "You can depend on me all you want. Why are you acting like that's a bad thing all of a sudden? Did someone say something...?"  
  
If he ever finds out who it is, Haru promises himself that they will feel as much pain as he has in the last few days.  
  
Makoto speaks softly, but he doesn't waver, despite his trepidation. "It's not because of anyone else. I wanted to go to Tokyo so that I could be on my own. That's why I don't want you to go with me. I want to find out who I really am."  
  
 _That's stupid,_ Haru thinks. Isn't it obvious who he is? Haru remembers so many things about him, from the times when they had just met, to middle school, to the time he'd been scared stiff thinking that Makoto might actually die, to this very moment. He knows exactly who Makoto is, but Makoto is trying to change that now, by acting weird and saying all these painful things...  
  
Haru locks eyes with him, his voice rough as he barks out, "You want to find out who you are? I know all about you... You're a coward who can't do anything by himself." He inhales a long breath, then smiles as comfortingly as possible. "But I'm right here with you. You can lean on me, forever."  
  
"Haru..." There's still defiance in his tone. Haru's chest hurts.  
  
Suddenly, a scene from the past comes to his mind, one that had made him feel as worried and uncertain about Makoto as he did now. Middle school, when he'd found Makoto wading in the ocean waves by himself. He'd said then that he was trying to go somewhere without him, that he wanted to see if Haru could stand it if he were gone.  
  
"I get it," Haru says, relieved that the answer is so simple. "Makoto..." He reaches out for his hand, holding it tight. Makoto does not squeeze back. "I need you. You're cruel to do all this just so that I'll come out and say it. You wanted to go away to Tokyo so that I would miss you, and realize that I needed you? Of course I need you, Makoto."  
  
Makoto's eyes don't fill with relief at those words, the way Haru remembers from when they we children. Instead, Makoto seems pained. Maybe even upset.  
  
"I think that you... should stop depending on me so much, too."  
  
Haru's grip goes slack.  
  
"I like you, Haru. I've liked you for so long."  
  
There's something different in Makoto's voice now, something he would have never expected. It sounds a little like pity.  
  
"But I know that you're not... normal... when it comes to me."  
  
Haru grinds his teeth.  
  
"That's why, I think it's better for the both of us--"  
  
He does not let Makoto say another word. It's not his intention to hurt him, but somehow he's out of his seat and pushing Makoto to the ground anyway.  
  
"Better for the both of us?! Maybe you mean better for you, because without Makoto... nothing else matters!"  
  
Makoto's eyes are wide, and he opens his mouth, but Haru doesn't want to hear any more of his inane rambling. He throws an arm around Makoto's shoulders, elbow in front of his throat, and squeezes down tightly on his neck. Makoto only struggles for twenty seconds, his hands uselessly digging into Haru's biceps. Haru knows that Makoto is stronger than him, and if he truly wanted to, he could have gotten away. But he didn't. Because he didn't want to hurt Haru?  
  
Makoto goes limp in his arms. It would be so easy to just hold on and on until everything ended-- if Makoto isn't going to be with him, what's the point?  
  
No, he will convince him.  
  
He lets go, before he can hurt Makoto. It could take as little as a few minutes for Makoto to come back to his senses, but Haru had made sure to be prepared before he left for Tokyo.  
  
By the time Makoto wakes and his daze has completely lifted, Haru has already tied him down to the bed, eagle-spread, with each limb connected to a different leg of the bed. Makoto's eyes fly open, and he tries to speak-- but Haru hadn't wanted to hear anymore, so he'd dealt with that, too. A balled up handkerchief is in his mouth to muffle him, and another length of rope is tight between his lips to hold it in place. Makoto's words only come out in vain, incoherent grunts, his pupils dilating, and his breathing comes in hard and fast through his nose.  
  
Looking at him now, from the edge of the bed, Haru feels confident that Makoto feels more fear than anything. The anguish he'd felt just a few days ago at the thought has disappeared completely, leaving only a strange sense of pleasure. Maybe now Makoto would realize how serious he is. He smiles down at Makoto's face, and presses his hand to his jaw. "Don't you think it's time for me to have my say?"  
  
Makoto's sounds stop, and he only stares up at Haru.  
  
His eyes narrow. "Well?" Makoto quickly nods. He has always been a quick learner.  
  
Haru leans over his body. Staring into Makoto's lovely green eyes, Haru lets out the words that have been begging for an outlet since the beginning, "I want to follow you, wherever you go, Makoto... We've been together for so long, it only makes sense, doesn't it? I don't get why you're so fixated on changing. Why do we have to change?"  
  
Haru leans forward and presses a kiss to Makoto's cheek, just above where the rope is wrapped around his head. Running his fingers down Makoto's chest, he whispers, "Just as you are, I love you."  
  
He can feel the rapid beat of Makoto's heart under his palm as he kisses the skin of his neck. He draws back to see the apprehension written clear in the tense line of Makoto's brow. "What? You don't believe me?" Haru asks him lightly. Makoto had been the sort of child to need support and reassurance, and even though he had gotten bigger, that part of him hadn't seemed to change.  
  
He brushes Makoto's fringe out of his eyes and murmurs, "I'll show you, Makoto."  
  
The second he starts unbuckling Makoto's belt, Makoto starts to vocalize, but Haru can't make out what he's saying in the least. Haru shushes him, unzipping his pants and pulling them as far down his thighs as they'll go while he's tied. "If I knew you wanted me to show you, I would have done this beforehand," he says. Makoto bucks his hips, making more stifled noises.  
  
Before Haru can give Makoto what he obviously wants, he has to grab something from the small bathroom for what is to come. Once he's completed that short task, he settles at the bottom of the bed, by Makoto's legs, and slips his hand into Makoto's underwear. His cock is still soft, but Haru will fix that soon enough.  
  
Wrapping his hand around the base, Haru pulls it free and leans over to take Makoto's length into his mouth. It's difficult to suck on while limp, but within minutes of his persistent rubbing and licking, Haru can feel it beginning to engorge. The sounds that make it past Makoto's gag have grown lower and further apart. When Haru looks up, there's no mistaking the flush to Makoto's face.  
  
Haru continues his stimulation of Makoto's cock without pause, becoming more excited as it hardens further in his mouth. Still sucking, he drops his hands to the small bottle of lotion he'd retrieved earlier, uncapping it and squeezing it out on his fingers. Satisfied with the amount of slickness, Haru pushes down his pants and presses two fingers against his ass. They glide into his hole without trouble, and it starts to sting just as quickly.  
  
But Makoto wants him to prove his love, for Haru to show that he really needs him, and the small amount of pain is nothing when he thinks about that. Haru continues to prepare himself, twisting his fingers in and out, and adding a third even though it makes him wince. He's impatient, and Makoto is only half-hard, so once the ache starts to ebb, Haru considers himself ready.  
  
He slides his mouth off of Makoto's cock, applying more lotion to his hand and slathering it onto Makoto's awaiting length. After kicking off his pants and underwear, Haru climbs onto the bed, and on top of Makoto. Makoto makes more incoherent noises against the handkerchief, and strains against his bonds, his eyes wide, but Haru presses his finger to his chin.  
  
"See, Makoto? This is how much I need you." Haru sucks in a breath and holds Makoto steady as he carefully pushes down onto his cock, taking him all the way in. He can't help but groan in a mix of pain and pleasure.  
  
Even though Makoto isn't fully hard, he's still bigger than his fingers, and being spread so much so quickly hurts. But then-- he can hear Makoto groan behind the gag. Makoto is huffing, his ears glowing the same shade of red as his cheeks, and all of Haru's discomfort is dwarfed by his happiness when he sees the effect he's having.  
  
He starts off rolling his hips just barely, bracing himself with his hands. Even though it's such a small thing, Makoto's head tilts backward, and his hands curl into tight fists. It doesn't take much longer for Haru to feel comfortable enough to increase his speed.  
  
"Feels good, doesn't it?" Haru says, panting. As he moves a certain way, Makoto's length brushes something inside him that makes Haru's cock throb. He involuntarily tightens around Makoto, and that's when he realizes just how much harder Makoto has become since he'd put it in. Knowing that encourages him more than anything, and a wicked smile comes to his lips.  
  
He rocks his hips faster, his movement making the bed start to squeak beneath them. A similarly high-pitched sound comes from Makoto's throat, and Haru can't believe how perfect he looks with eyes clenched tight, biting down onto the rope in his mouth.  
  
"Makoto," Haru keens when he manages to hit that spot again. He twists his body, urgently trying to find it once more and groaning when he does. Supporting himself with one hand now, he rides Makoto harder and raises the other to touch his throbbing cock. The relief it brings him is so intense that Haru immediately lets out another moan, tossing his head back. Makoto's eyes are open a sliver, and Haru gets an immense thrill at the thought that he is watching him.  
  
Haru strokes himself in time with his downward thrusts, his chest heaving. It feels so good right now, being like this with Makoto, giving themselves to each other. Haru thinks it would be even better if Makoto were free to respond, but Haru doesn't trust him just yet, and there is a certain amount of excitement shooting through his veins to have Makoto completely at his mercy.  
  
His body grows hotter with every plunge of Makoto's cock inside of him, so Haru finally strips off his shirt and throws it to the side. He pushes up Makoto's t-shirt and rubs against the quivering muscles of his stomach, admiring the heaving skin glistening with sweat. Makoto's whole body twitches when he does that, so Haru keeps running his hands over his chest. He screws himself harder on Makoto's cock, the pleasure building inside of him as he bites down on his lips.  
  
"Ha...uu..." the loud muffled groan catches Haru's attention immediately-- Makoto is calling his name, over and over again. This time when Haru looks, Makoto's eyes are fully open and wet, and Haru is startled to see that he's actually _crying_. Immediately, Haru worries that he's tied something far too tight, or that Makoto can't breathe. He slips off his cock and moves forward to pull the knot behind Makoto's head loose, then removes the cloth from his mouth.  
  
"Makoto," Haru asks, worried, "are you okay? You couldn't breathe well? Or are the ropes too tight?"  
  
"Haru," Makoto pleads, "stop."  
  
Haru presses his lips into a thin line. "I haven't finished showing you."  
  
"Please..." Makoto's eyes haven't dried in the slightest, and with every blink, another tear cascades down his face. It hurts Haru's heart a little, but he doesn't think Makoto understands him yet.  
  
"No," he says.  
  
Makoto looks as though he's been slapped.  
  
Once Haru climbs back on top of his hips, Makoto finally manages to choke out, "Ha-Haru," but even that dissolves into a gasp when Haru sinks down onto his cock.  
  
This time, Haru doesn't waste a second getting into the swing of things. He rides Makoto hard from the start, and the slapping of damp skin fills the air alongside Haru's throaty moans. Makoto clenches his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut, tears still dripping from the corners of his eyes. Even wearing such an expression, Haru can feel Makoto's body trembling as he edges closer to orgasm.  
  
To Haru's delight, Makoto can't resist how good it feels any longer-- he starts to buck his hips, thrusting upward into Haru's ass.  
  
"Ahh!" Haru closes his eyes and throws his head back, jerking himself off with a renewed vigor. Now that Makoto is actually moving, his ass feels even better. His cock rubs against Haru's prostate, and the wet feeling of Makoto's precome oozing out deeply arouses him. "Makoto..." he gasps out, "I'm going to come..."  
  
Makoto swallows audibly, pulling harder at the ropes around his wrists, and whining as Haru speeds up yet again. Haru is so very close, and somehow, the tearful expression on Makoto's face only gets him off faster. He jerks himself off, his hips pausing as he focuses his attention entirely on his cock. Makoto keeps moving with a quiet whimper, thrusting as deeply into Haru as he can while tied down.  
  
"Ma... koto..." Haru moans his name, grinding down onto his cock as his climax rocks his bod. His eyes squeeze shut as his hips shudder, and he comes hard onto Makoto's stomach, his ass twitching around Makoto's cock.  
  
Almost immediately afterward, Makoto lets out a low groan, as if he's in pain. His movement stutters, and he digs his heels into the mattress. Haru thinks he can actually feel it inside when Makoto comes, but he can definitely feel it when his semen begins dripping out of him.  
  
"Makoto," he says, leaning over to press a kiss to his bruised lips. Once his breath evens out, he slips off of Makoto's cock. "I need you..." Haru tells him, "and you need me. Isn't it fine like that? Don't say those terrible things anymore."  
  
Haru buries his face into Makoto's neck, wrapping his arms around him in a firm embrace. "I can't just leave you alone."  
  
He holds onto Makoto for a long time before he hears his voice. "...I'm sorry," Makoto says, roughly, "I... I won't say anything else like that ever again. I didn't know you felt that strongly."  
  
Haru pulls away to look at Makoto's face, stroking his jaw gently. "Of course I do. When I think about Makoto somewhere I can't reach, surrounded by so many other people... I feel like I might die."  
  
One day Makoto would meet someone who was normal, who loved him, who he liked, and then he would realize just how screwed up Haru is, and he'd lose him. It's inevitable, but Haru wants to prolong it for as long as possible; he'll do whatever it takes to make sure he can hold onto him, even if it hurts, and even if it hurts Makoto.  
  
"It's natural for us to be together, isn't it?" Haru asks, watching Makoto for any signs of hesitation.  
  
Makoto chuckles quietly. It sounds tired, but not mocking. His eyes are still puffy, but the slight smile on his lips doesn't seem fake. "Yeah. More natural than us going our separate ways."  
  
Haru sucks in a breath. There's a slight burning sensation behind his eyes, but he blinks it away, and presses his face against Makoto's shoulder. "I told you, Makoto..."  
  
He pulls away to untie Makoto from the bed, gently kissing the marks left by the cords once he tugs each knot free.  
  
"Are you okay?" Haru asks him from the edge of the bed.  
  
He'd gone quite overboard again, but Makoto nods. "I'm fine, Haru. Come here," he says as he spreads his arms. Haru eagerly takes the invitation, curling up against his chest. "Are you really serious about coming to Tokyo with me?"  
  
How many times does he have to say it...? But now Haru thinks that Makoto will finally, truly listen. "Yes. The future I want is with you, Makoto."  
  
Makoto's chest heaves and his fingers press against Haru's. "You know," he murmurs, "I didn't want to be in the way of your dreams. I didn't think that I was ignoring what you wanted." He swallows, and says, "If you're this in love with me, I should take responsibility, huh?"  
  
Haru's heart beats wildly in his chest. "Yeah."  
  
"I love you, too," Makoto says.  
  
He can hardly believe his ears. Haru pulls back to look at Makoto's face, and even though he'd hurt him time and time again, his expression is honest, and full of affection. Haru can't help but wonder if there is a part of Makoto that reacts to his irrational anxiety, if he actually _enjoys_ being hurt and tortured in some perverse way. But Makoto's smile seems as normal as ever.  
  
Haru kisses him deeply, again and again until he's had his fill. "Makoto... Can you say it again?" he asks carefully.  
  
Makoto laughs, full and bright this time. "I love you, Haru."  
  
This is surely a dream, Haru thinks.  
  
And dreams always come to an end.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally updated... this fic is turning out longer than intended, lol. This chapter is a bit slow with build up, but the final two parts will be back to some more intense yandere shenanigans!

At first, Haru is unsure about telling his friends his decision, but they take it surprisingly well. There's an obvious sense of disappointment hovering over them when he firmly says that has no desire to pursue a professional career, but they aren't shocked to hear it. 

Nagisa shrugs helplessly and latches onto Haru's back, pouting. "Of course, Haru-chan and Mako-chan are going to stay together even after high school... I'm so jealous!" Rei just smiles, and says, "I'm glad that Haruka-senpai has found a dream, even if it's not what I expected."

Rin takes it the worst, but even he doesn't react the way Haru had worried. "Of course it bothers me that you aren't going to be swimming with me," he says, frowning deeply, and sighs with exasperation. "It really just irritated me that you weren't even thinking about the future at all... but you seem focused on whatever you're doing now." In the end, he wishes Haru luck with a tight smile.

"It's not as though I'm quitting swimming," Haru tells him. He doesn't think he could ever do that. "I'm always ready to swim with you when you come back." He is completely serious, but Rin only laughs. Still, Haru thinks the tension on his face lightens at his words.

He and Makoto both pass the entrance exams, and in the spring, they leave for Tokyo. Just as it is natural for them to be together in school, finding an apartment for both of them to live comes like second nature.

Makoto doesn't say anything about that night to anyone, and Haru isn't sure if it's a curse or a blessing. He never brings it up or seems to hold it against him, and Haru finds the possessive madness to have dissipated. There's only the memory and the guilt left, and even that is transient enough to make him doubt himself. 

A part of him wonders what Makoto's game is. Had he always been this senseless, or is he simply afraid that Haru would do it again, and is biding his time, waiting for a chance to escape? But Makoto's smiles are as full and sweet as when they were children, and when he asks Makoto to bed, it truly feels like they are making love. Eventually, even that paranoid part of Haru quiets.

For one long year, he is on cloud nine.

Then, just as suddenly as everything had began, it changes.

Of course, Haru had noticed how popular Makoto had been in the first month of classes. And why shouldn't he be? Makoto is very handsome with a sweet smile, and he tries his hardest to help anyone who looks like they need it. It was completely normal that every would fall for him, but no matter how many people swarmed around Makoto, Haru could find solace in the undisputed fact that Makoto was his. 

But when their second year of classes begins, it feels like a large wall has been built between them overnight. Now that most of their general classes had been completed, his and Makoto's schedules are so different from each other. Unlike the first year, they only share one class together, and even worse, Makoto's classes tend to be in the evening, while Haru's are in the morning. 

Makoto still comes to check on him in the mornings and push him out of the house on time. On Wednesdays, they're able to have a break for lunch at midday, and Makoto's afternoon classes are done in time for dinner. 

Even so, when he compares things to the year before, Haru feels it is lacking. They talk about things, classes, the future and how their friends are doing, but there are some nights where Haru thinks they don't have anything new to talk about, and the resulting silence doesn't feel the least bit comfortable.

Then, slowly, insidiously, Haru notices little changes. That Makoto's Calculus class ends at 4:35 pm, and that it only takes fifteen minutes to walk back to their apartment. That even if Makoto had something to eat on the way, it would be something light, and would never take more than half an hour, because he always has dinner with Haru. So why, on Friday, does he come home at six o'clock? But that's nothing to worry about, Haru tells himself. He probably just stayed for a bit after class, or took a walk around the campus to relax.

But then, it isn't just that Friday. It's the next, and the one after that. More than where Makoto is and what he is doing instead of coming home to their apartment, Haru wonders why Makoto hasn't mentioned it. Surely Makoto knew how Haru feels about this. Out of everyone, Makoto has always known him best. 

Does he intend to torment Haru and make him suffer by ignoring him? Or is he simply overlooking him, now that he is surrounded by a whole new world that interested him more than Haru? Haru swallows the lump in his throat. He'd rather take all of Makoto's scorn than be forgotten.

"I'm thinking of starting a study group for Biology," Makoto tells him one night. "I've been having some trouble and I know some other students have, too."

Haru tries not to frown when he hears the lightness in Makoto's tone. After all, that caring nature is part of why Haru loves him. "When?" 

The look on Makoto's face turns apologetic. "The time that works best for almost everyone are Wednesday nights..." Makoto presses his hands together and bows his head slightly. "Sorry, Haru! I know that's one of the nights we normally have dinner..."

A hard lump forms in Haru's throat, but he pretends it isn't there. Instead, he gives a smile and hopes Makoto can't tell how forced it is. "It's fine. I know you've been stressing about your grades... and that you can't resist helping others." 

_We live together_ , Haru tells himself. No matter how long Makoto stayed out, and how many people he surrounded himself with, Haru is the one he would come home to at the end of the day. Even if things got so bad that Makoto only came home to sleep, he would still be with Haru in those precious few hours until the morning came.

Despite how much he prepares himself for the inevitable, when Wednesday comes and Haru is having dinner alone, it feels like there's a Makoto-shaped hole in his chest. He wonders how many people had decided to go to the study group Makoto had devised, and what sort of face Makoto was making right now. A cheerful grin? A furrowed brow and cute frown as he found a problem he wasn't sure about? Or that sheepish, helpless smile he wore when he needed someone to explain something over to him again? Imagining Makoto doesn't do anything to comfort him. In fact, it just makes the emptiness in his chest feel even larger. 

Makoto comes home as 9 o'clock, a tired, but satisfied expression on his face, like the one he used to have after practice. 

 

Haru has always found comfort in the water, so he ends up spending the next Wednesday night at the recreation center's pool. He can swim for hours in perfect harmony, the worried thoughts finally drifting away from his mind as he enjoys the feeling of swimming. But then, he pulls himself out of the water, alone, remembers that Makoto is _busy_ , and all those horrible feelings come flooding back at once.

He doesn't have dinner until Makoto gets home. Makoto says that he's already eaten, and that Haru shouldn't wait up for him, but Haru tells him that he'd just been too busy to eat until now. Even if he wasn't eating with him, having Makoto there makes his meal taste a hundred times better.

Still, Haru's curiosity (or was it something else?) beings to overwhelm him over the week. On Wednesday afternoon, Haru watches at Makoto packs up for the day. Just before he's about to leave, he heads to the bathroom, and Haru can't take his eyes off of Makoto's zipped up bookbag.

He only has a couple minutes if he's going to do anything, and while he knows that he shouldn't, he ends up pulling it open, and replacing the Biology textbook with the Calculus book on Makoto's shelf. Haru zips it back up, and sits down at the table, moving his pencil idly over a printed worksheet.

He watches out of the corner of his eye as Makoto pulls the back over his shoulder, and rushes out the door with a quick farewell. 

Haru waits until Makoto's first class finishes, and then opens his phone.

>>Makoto, you left your Biology book. Don't you have your study group today?

>No, I'll bring it. I was planning on going to the library today. It starts at 7, right? Where?

>No problem.

Haru's feet lead him down out of the apartment well ahead of schedule. While he felt relieved that he would be able to see what kind of people Makoto spent his time with, his head spins with the worst possibilities at the same time. He ends up reaching the library thirty minutes ahead of schedule, and stakes out the prepared study room in a small desk in the corner. 

At around 6:45, he sees someone approach the room and unlock it with a key-- a young, pretty girl with her dark hair in a braid that fell over her left shoulder. She slips into the study room, and not long after her, a few more students file in. It's quiet in the library, but Haru can't make out the scraps of conversation as he walks together with three other students. 

Two are girls; one tall with short hair and the other a stocky blond. But Haru's eyes are focused on the third student, a boy with fiery red hair and glasses that is standing so close to Makoto he's practically pressed against his shoulder. Makoto's gaze starts to wander as the boy continues to murmur to him, and Haru hurriedly ducks behind a textbook before Makoto can spot him.

His heart thumps loudly in his chest until he hears the door open and finally swing closed. Just in case, he waits a minute before lowering his textbook. Haru doesn't think he should feel as nervous as he does. He's just dropping off a book, and happened to see Makoto with a few of his friends. There's nothing intrusive about that.

The minute hand of the clock finally hovers over the twelve, and Haru gathers his things. He doesn't hesitate at the door-- if anything, the fluttering feeling in the pit of his stomach desperately demands to see inside. He pulls it open.

"Oh, Haru! Thanks a bunch!" Makoto smiles when he enters, and stands up to meet him. 

"Don't be so forgetful next time," Haru mumbles, his eyes skating over the room. Half of the occupants had already gone back to their books and papers, while the others continued to idly watch him.

"I wouldn't have minded sharing with you," comes a soft voice from the seat beside Makoto's. Haru feels a twinge of annoyance when he realizes that it belongs to the same redhead from earlier. He glances over Makoto's shoulder at Haru, his eyes narrowing briefly behind his lenses, and that makes the corner of Haru's lips twitch.

Now that Haru dwells on it, the looks that he's being given feel more intense than simple curiosity. The blonde girl from before is biting her lip, the girl who'd first entered has her pen tight in her grip, and the one of the other boys leans back in his chair, silently sizing him up. 

"Haru?" Makoto's voice draws him out of his thoughts. He's making that questioning face again, a slight frown on his lips. When he sees him like this, Haru knows he's the luckiest person in the world-- but he also knows that there are so many others that must wish to be him, and that at least four of them are in this room. Leave it to Makoto to surround himself with people who had a crush on him. 

Haru hands over the textbook, pointedly ignoring everyone else except for Makoto. "Here's your book." After a moment of consideration, he lowers his voice slightly-- but not so low that most of the room wouldn't be able to hear him-- and says, "Call me when you're on your way home."

"Huh?" Makoto's face flushes slightly. "Okay, I will. See you later." The stares Haru feels on his back when he leaves are even more satisfying than the bashful smile Makoto had given him in response. 

Even so, the victorious feeling in his chest only last until he exits the Library doors, and he starts to think about the students he had left alone with Makoto. 

Makoto calls at nine to inform him that he'll be leaving the library in a few minutes. This time, Haru makes sure to say, "I love you," into the receiver, just to hear Makoto sputter before breathing it back sheepishly. Haru can only hope that the members study group are around to hear it.

When Makoto makes it home, Haru makes himself dinner and tries to ask, as nonchalantly as possible, "So, was that everyone who normally comes to your study group?"

Makoto seems surprised at the sudden question. "Almost all of them. It was Sakura-chan's first time coming by, but there's usually another guy. He said he couldn't make it this week."

"Sakura-chan?" Haru asks quietly. He wonders if she had been one of the ones who was obviously interested in Makoto.

"She's in my Biology class. She has pretty good grades, but she said that her last test grade wasn't as good as she'd hoped." Makoto seemed happy to talk to Haru about his study group. "Having her and Kenji around is a great help."

Haru wills away his urge to frown, "The guy with glasses?" 

"Yeah," Makoto sounded a bit too cheerful. "He's always helping me out." Oh, is he now? Haru remembers how close he'd been to Makoto, and how the red head practically glared at him once he'd seen how familiar they were. Somehow, despite how great Makoto was at empathizing with others and understanding their feelings, he became horribly shortsighted whenever those feelings involved himself. 

The desire to tell Makoto that Kenji obviously likes him, or that he shouldn't let himself be alone with him anymore is almost overpowering, but Haru resists. No matter what happened with Kenji, Makoto loves him, and he is far too sweet and sincere to cheat on him or fall for anyone else while he's with Haru. Even if Kenji came onto him, he believed that Makoto would never let things go too far.

At least, until he remembers all the things that he'd put Makoto through. When Haru thinks about the last year, and how Makoto feels like he'd getting further and further away, his throat seizes up, and he can hardly take another breath. 

"Makoto... you love me, right?" he asks suddenly. Makoto had been talking more about the meeting today, but Haru's quiet words stop him in his tracks. 

"Haru?" That worried frown of his crosses his lips again; Haru had seen it more often than ever these days. "Of course, I love you." Even with Makoto looking into his eyes, sounding as honest as when he first said it, Haru wonders if he's losing faith.

Then, Makoto's expression turns serious, his mouth becoming a small, straight line. "Have... you been doing alright lately, Haru?"

"What?" Even though Haru has been shown time and time again how well Makoto knows him, it's still a shock to hear him ask that question. Like always, Haru can't be honest with himself or Makoto, and blurts out, "I'm fine."

Normally, Makoto would understand that Haru didn't want to talk about it, and let him be, but this time, Makoto doesn't relent. "I'm worried about you, Haru. I never hear you talk about your classmates, or any of your friends. Have you met anyone?"

What Haru really wants to say is that he doesn't need anyone else when he has Makoto, but he knows just what sort of look Makoto would give to him if he actually spoke those words out loud. Instead, Haru stays silent.

"You said that you were interested in the swimming team before, didn't you? But you never joined it." It had been an obvious choice for Haru to make. The teams meetings were quite frequent and usually intersected with the times that he and Makoto spent together. 

Competitive swimming isn't something that he'd been particularly interested in, and he'd be able to enjoy himself as long as he had access to a pool, swim team or no. Besides, Makoto had decided not to, instead deciding to focus on classes and occasionally volunteering to help at a local swim school. Makoto reassured him that he would come to all of Haru's matches, even if he wasn't on the team, but Haru had seen it as something unnecessary. 

Going out of his way to meet with other people was also something that he considered unnecessary. It's not that he hated other people, but the amount of effort he would have to expend for him to develop a lasting relationship with someone else just doesn't seem worth it. In the end, they would still be worth less to him than Makoto, and if he's simply looking for some way to pass the time, other people don't need to be involved. Haru wouldn't outright reject anyone looking for his companionship, but he didn't feel the need to seek them out. 

"I'm not interested in that right now," Haru says finally.

"Haruuu," Makoto whines. "I think you should try to get acquainted with your classmates"

"Why?"

"Because your friends from college will probably be the same people you'll have a lasting bond with! Don't let it go to waste just because you don't want to give it a try. I'll introduce you to the people in my study group if you want."

"No," Haru says firmly. On one hand, he'd be able to keep tabs on those particular students who were after Makoto, but he doesn't want Makoto to feel as though he had to do him a favor. Besides, he doesn't think he would be able to become friends with any of them, and that would only make Makoto worry more. He heaves a long sigh and looks at Makoto's sad puppy expression. "I'll make an effort. Okay?" 

The crease of Makoto's brow lightens, and he smiles with relief. "That's good enough for me," he says, and pulls Haru into a gentle kiss. The press of Makoto's warm lips against his own are enough to ease the tension from his shoulders. "I love you, Haru," Makoto tells him again, between kisses. If those are the last words he ever hears, he would die happy.

 

Haru really does try to meet other people after that night, but it never goes beyond the simple aggregate relationship between classmates who talk during break and go their separate ways. It's enough to count, and enough to make Makoto happy when he recalls a conversation he'd had with another student. 

Instead of hanging out with others or joining a club, there's another hobby that Haru devotes himself to with increasing interest. People watching.

Red-haired Kenji is in multiple academic clubs, as well as a diligent volunteer throughout the year. He lives in an all-boys dorm on campus, on the second floor, with two others. He'd met Makoto during the second semester of freshman year. Now that Haru further considers it, he remembers hearing the name come up a few times before in Makoto's conversations about school. 

Kenji left for most of his classes before noon, yet somehow he'd ended up in the same late night Biology class as Makoto ( _or rather, because of Makoto_ , Haru thinks with certainty). It was apparent that he was the type of person who tended to disregard others' personal space once he felt familiar with them. Around Makoto, that tendency seemed to grow even more intense. He stuck to Makoto's side like glue, sliding his fingers against Makoto's arm occasionally. While Makoto didn't seem to think anything of it, watching Kenji's flirtatious touches made irritation burn in the pit of Haru's stomach. 

He doesn't say anything to Makoto about it, but that doesn't stop the thoughts from consuming him inside. Makoto is innocent. He doesn't know better. He thinks that Kenji is just that sort of friend. But Haru knows the truth.

Haru shadows Makoto to his classes sometimes, interested in seeing how he behaved in class. The auditorium is large enough for him to sneak in a seat near the back and pull up his hood. Makoto never notices him. 

After his Biology class, Haru notices a stray textbook around where Makoto had been sitting. Makoto was often a bit forgetful, and more than once he'd had to sprint back to a classroom in order to retrieve something he'd left behind. Once most of the students had excited, Haru walks down the steps toward it, preparing some excuse as to how he could have come across it in his daily routine. But then, he spots the name on the edge-- not Makoto, but _Kenji_.

One second of hesitation comes and goes, and Haru grabs it, tucking it under the edge of his jacket. It's a bit of an adrenaline rush to do something like this, no matter how petty. Kenji would just think some regular person took it by accident or stole it, but he wouldn't think there was any reason behind the action. Even though Haru knows that, it still brings a strange satisfaction when he thinks of the effect it would have. Maybe his irritation would hold a candle to what Haru felt when he watched Kenji flinging himself at Makoto?

 

Another one of Makoto's study group members that sticks out to Haru is the girl with the long braid. Her name was Mari, and he had seen her in a couple classes of Makoto's. While she did not sit near him, Haru could see how she would watch Makoto more than the professor. She spent time in similar circles to Kenji, with more of an emphasis in academic clubs related to life sciences. Although a commuter who used the subway to reach campus, she seemed to spend lots of her time on the university grounds. 

For all looks, Mari was sort of proper girl most guys would probably fall for, but on more than one occasion, Haru had been surprised by her forwardness. After the 1 o'clock class she shared with Makoto, she often asked him to lunch. 

Usually Makoto would turn her down, but today is different. Haru watches as he glances at his watch and tells her that his next class had been cancelled, and that he had no other plans besides studying. 

Haru had a class that started in 20 minutes, but this is obviously more important than anything he'd learn in Literature. He follows them at a distance. Luckily, they decide to sit outside, and Haru takes a seat at a nearby park bench.

It's hard to hear more than snippets of their conversation, but the look of adoration on Mari's face is completely unmistakable. He hears her ask, "Hey, Makoto... what kind of hairstyle do you like for a girl?" while nervously stroking her braid. 

"Oh, are you thinking about getting a haircut?"

"Maybe!" she says with a nervous laugh.

Makoto hums briefly, then says, "I think your hair looks good the way it is. It's long and beautiful, and a braid looks very elegant on you." 

The words bring a flush to Mari's cheeks almost instantly. She curls the end of her braid around a finger, over and over again, until she finally says, "Well... maybe I'll keep it like this, then."

That night, Haru almost glares at Makoto when he walks through the door. 

"Is everything okay?" Makoto asks lightly, after an especially quiet dinner.

Haru says, "Just tired," but he's really thinking, _Why would you say something like that to a girl who's obviously in love with you?_ It's unfair to blame Makoto for something he doesn't know, he tells himself. He just doesn't know any better.

So when the Biology study group ends uncharacteristically early, and everyone except Makoto and Kenji file out of the room, Haru resists the worry flitting through his mind. He crushes down his anxiety, and reminds himself that Kenji often helped Makoto with his homework and tests. Of course, that's all this is.

But then Kenji comes out of the room, with such a strange expression that Haru can't place and leaves Makoto behind. After a minute, Makoto follows, locking the room behind him, his usual smile replaced by a frown. 

Haru knows that something has just happened. How could it not have with that set of suspicious circumstances? It takes everything not to run up to Makoto and ask him at point blank.

He comes home after Makoto does, a bag of takeout in hand to justify his absence. 

Makoto's greeting lacks its usual enthusiasm, which only solidifies Haru's concerns. "What's wrong?" Haru asks, watching Makoto's face. "Did something happen at your study group? 

Makoto sighs, and his brows twitch slightly. "Kind of..."

"Maybe talking about it will help." Haru stares at Makoto out of the corner of his eyes.

For a second, Makoto seems like he's actually considering it. But then he shakes his head, and gives Haru a small smile. "No, don't worry about it. It's nothing, Haru." Despite the reassurance, Haru can see the stress at the corner of his mouth. He's been with Makoto for so long that it's obvious when Makoto was withholding something. 

_Kenji definitely did something. Something Makoto doesn't want to tell me about._ If he hurt Makoto, Haru will definitely make sure he pays for it. But then, the more insidious thought comes. What had Kenji most likely done, all alone there, that Makoto wouldn't want to worry him with? Had he confessed? If someone had confessed to Haru, Makoto would want to know, right? Then, obviously, Makoto would tell him if that was the case... 

He gives Makoto's face another glance, and decides to believe in that for now. "If you say so," Haru says, and reaches out to lace their fingers together on the table. Makoto smiles, squeezing back.

But even if Haru does believe in Makoto, he doesn't have any of those feelings toward Kenji, or anyone else who looks at Makoto like that. 

Makoto meets up with Kenji before their Biology class, and an awkward silence stretches on for awhile after their initial greeting. Makoto is keeping a smile on his face, and Kenji looks like he doesn't know what quite to say. 

Haru's being driven crazy thinking about what could have led to this situation-- it was a confession after all, wasn't it? Why didn't Makoto tell him? He hadn't thought it was something for him to be worried over, even though it clearly was?

"Makoto... Sorry. I... shouldn't have kissed you like that."

_Kissed._

It takes three times longer to process that one word than it should. It goes through Haru's brain and replays a hundred times in a second, until finally-- 

_He said kissed._

_He kissed Makoto?_

_Makoto didn't tell me about something like that?_

If Haru weren't so stunned, he would have simply dragged him away before they could continue their conversation. But all he can do is breathe, and watch it happen. There's a serious look on Makoto's face as he looks at Kenji, and for a second all of Haru's faith and hope goes out the window and he's thinking, _Makoto isn't actually considering it, is he?_

"I was just surprised that you did what you did. Sorry, but... I can't accept your feelings. I'm with someone I love very much right now. We're happy together." Haru's heart can start beating normally after he hears those words from Makoto. How could he ever have doubted him?

"Your roommate?" Kenji asks.

"Yeah," Makoto says. "I hope we can still be friends."

"Of course. I think of you as a really great friend," Kenji tells him. Makoto must miss the look in his eye, but Haru knows someone who won't give up easily when he sees them. Even if he had noticed it, Makoto is far too nice to reject someone to the point of giving up.

Haru walks home once they enter their classroom, his initial relief is cloaked in unease and irritation.

He keeps all of those feelings out of his voice when he asks Makoto after class, "You don't look as down today. Did things turn out okay?"

Haru hopes that Makoto will tell him about Kenji, but instead, he just says, "Yeah, it was nothing after all." 

"That's good," Haru says, forcing a slight smile. Makoto just didn't want to tell Haru about something that would obviously upset him, but that sort of kindness only encourages his frustration.

When Makoto leaves for his afternoon class on Wednesday, Haru pulls out the last drawer of his dresser, and grabs the Biology book that he'd swiped a few weeks prior. 

Makoto didn't have the foresight to reinforce the bounds of he and Kenji's relationship, and because of that Kenji would certainly hold onto his feelings for him... He'd be waiting in the wings for Makoto to have a moment of weakness, or for their relationship to falter or fail so that he could comfort Makoto in the aftermath.

Haru stares at the name on the edge of the book for a long moment, then flips it open. With a loud _riiip_ , he tears out the first five pages. Surprisingly, the simple action made relief flood through his system. Haru goes on, ripping out random pages and crumpling others, until the book is a complete mess. 

He can do even better than that, can't he? With that thought egging him on, Haru moves to his desk and grabs the utility knife from a drawer, and slashes through any pages still in decent condition. Unable to resist the urge, he snatches up a nearby permanent marker and scribbles, Stay away from Makoto, on the inside cover. 

The rush of adrenaline fades after that. Panting, Haru caps the market and pulls away, looking at the remains of the book, and the bold, angry scrawl he'd left. 

He feels... better. Somewhat satisfied. 

But it wouldn't be a warning if no one else witnessed it, would it? Sure, he'd vented some of his anger away, but Kenji would keep following around _his_ Makoto like a lovesick puppy, hoping that he would reconsider, maybe even going so far as to sabotage their relationship. When Haru thinks those things, it's so easy to pick up the ruined book and stuff it under the edge of his jacket.

The twenty minute walk to his destination goes by in a flash, and before Haru knows it he's standing in front of the dorm where Kenji lives. It isn't hard to find his room on the second floor, and he waits until no one is wandering the halls to drop the book in front of his door. And just as purposefully and quietly as he got there, he leaves the building. 

Almost immediately, Haru notices the difference. With each breath he takes, the scenery around looks brighter. His footsteps feel lighter, and the tumultuous black pitch that had been puddling in his gut is completely absent.

Haru ends up taking a trip to the recreation center despite himself, and decides that a few relaxing laps through the water can't hurt at all. He stays so late that Makoto gets back home before he does. 

"Sorry, Makoto," he says, closing the door behind him. "I decided to swim for a bit."

"No, that's fine." 

Haru takes a seat beside him, and feels those green eyes on him for longer than normal. "What?" 

Makoto's mouth widens into a gentle smile. "Nothing. I was just thinking it was nice to see you in a good mood. You seemed down lately."

"Have I?" Haru asks, but he's more surprised how much what he'd done had improved his mood. Like this, he felt satisfied and secure. A little scare would be enough to make Kenji back off and keep him out of Haru's hair for awhile. The thought brings a smile to his face. "I guess I do feel better." 

Makoto's hand grips his arm, and pulls him forward into a short kiss. "I'm glad," he murmurs into Haru's mouth.

Everything feels right in the world all over again when he does. 

Before Makoto can move away, Haru runs his hand up his strong back and initiates another kiss-- this one deep and needy. Makoto sucks in a gasp through his nose and presses back, clutching him tightly. "Makoto," Haru sighs between kisses, "I love you so much." 

"I love Haru, too," Makoto says with just as much fervor, his mouth dropping to Haru's thin neck, brushing his pulse point. 

Haru inhales sharply and runs his fingers through Makoto's hair. He thinks back on what he'd heard Makoto say the other day, when he hadn't known that Haru was listening-- that he was happy with Haru, and loved him very much-- and that makes his heart swell. _Makoto is perfect_ , he thinks, and with just as much sincerity, _Makoto is mine._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Special warning this chapter for non-graphic suicide ideation/planning near the end of the chapter. Please be aware while reading if these things affect you.
> 
> One more chapter to go and this wild ride will come to an end!

The calming high that comes from sending Kenji a clear message lasts a whole week. Haru doesn't feel the need to follow Makoto to his meetings or classes, certain that the destroyed book would make Kenji rethink his feelings at least a little. A daily dip in the pool when Makoto is away is all he needs to ease his nerves-- but then, slowly but surely, all the invasive little thoughts start creeping back into his head. 

Makoto is still talking about Kenji, without any mention of him becoming distant or busy. So, Kenji hadn't been scared away-- not that Haru thought a simple act of vandalism would be enough to do that, but it did make him suspicious. It hadn't been picked up by someone else, had it? No, even if they did, they should have shown in to Kenji since it was his book... But still, he was sticking to Makoto anyway. Did he like Makoto that much...?

Haru doesn't like it one bit. Now that he dwells on it, he realizes that he'd forgotten all about Mari. Makoto only mentions her in passing, but he'd never told Haru that he'd ever had lunch with her, just the two of them. Of course, Haru doesn't suspect Makoto. How could he? Still, if he'd he'd done it once before, it could have easily happened more than once.

The notion doesn't make Haru feel panicked-- Makoto would never stray-- but he does feel irritated. Did she really think she could steal Makoto away without a fight? 

Haru follows her for the next three days. The way Mari looks at Makoto from behind annoys him the most, even more than the way she idly brushes against his arm while they walk. Such a wistful, lovesick expression directed at Makoto when he can't see it makes Haru feel sick. 

On the walk to their next class together, Mari is quieter than usual. Haru sees the way her fingers hover over something in her purse, tentative, like she's waffling over giving Makoto a gift. Haru tries to get closer without being noticed. He pulls his hood down further over his face, turning his head to get a decent look at the contents of her purse. That's when he sees it, and a jolt of red-hot anger shoots through him.

A small, square envelope. A love letter. 

Haru has to retreat to greater distance to keep watching them, the urge to snatch the letter right out of nervous fingers almost unbearable. It is a good thing that he hadn't forgotten about her, he thinks. He'd let himself become satisfied with the small victory over Kenji, but if he really loves Makoto, he should remain diligent... 

What if it's too late? What if today is the day that she works up her nerve, and presents Makoto with the letter? Makoto had rebuffed Kenji's advances, but Mari is softer, more delicate and sweet. Would Makoto be able to give her a straight answer on the spot? Haru honestly doesn't know if Makoto can break her heart, even though it's the best result for everyone involved. 

Fortunately, it doesn't come to pass. Mari's hand drops from her purse, and she walks on with Makoto until they have to go their separate ways, not saying a word about the letter. Once Makoto leaves for his class on the fourth floor, she doesn't rush after him, instead lingering near the elevators. Haru watches as Mari pulls out of the envelope and stares at it for a few moments. Then, with a sigh, she drops it into one of the recycling containers, and heads up the stairs.

Good. 

It would be better if she gave up on ever sharing her feelings with Makoto. However, Haru can't shake the _need_ to see what those feelings are, just in case. As soon as her form has disappeared and there is no one around, Haru pulls his sleeve down over his hand and digs into the garbage container. The letter in his grasp, Haru leaves quickly-- just in case Mari decided to change her mind. 

The neighboring building houses the Biology department, and Haru can see a few barren rooms when he peeks through the windows. He enters the building through the heavy double doors and ducks into the first empty classroom he can find. His fingers shake as he tears open the top of the envelope and pulls out a single folded piece of paper.

_I'm sorry, Makoto._

_I know this will be awkward for you, but I hope you will be able to forgive my selfishness. Ever since I first met you last year, I've been enamored with your smile and your kind heart. I told myself that I would give up on you when I found out that you were in a relationship, but it's not that easy. I still have feelings for you. I'm sure that you make whoever they are very happy, and I truly wish you happiness, but I don't think I can give up on you until I tell you how I feel..._

_I love you, Makoto. Thank you for being such a great friend. I hope that you'll continue to smile for me._

_Mari_

A tremor passes through Haru's entire body. His stomach tightens, like he's about to be sick. His eyes scan the letter over and over again, until he could probably say it all by heart. 

She was in love with Makoto, even though Makoto had him. She didn't have a clue, did she? "I hope that you'll continue to smile for me"? What a joke. She didn't want to give up on Makoto at all. Just like Kenji, she wanted to "stay friends" and keep nursing the love in her heart until she felt confident enough to try to steal him away.

Haru crumples the letter into a tight ball and shoves it in the pocket of his jacket, thinking of all the ways he'd make her keep her hands to herself. It stays clenched in his fist all the way back to his apartment.

Once he's behind the closed door of his room, Haru takes the letter out. To his surprise, there's a sharp pain and a soreness in his knuckles when he opens his hand. Four little cuts make a line on his palm, bleeding slightly. Haru ignores them for now, unrolling the paper and smoothing it out. His eyes catch on the words, "I love you, Makoto," written in that neat, feminine handwriting, and without another thought, his hands pull the paper apart with a satisfying noise.

He continues to tear it for at least five minutes, shredding the letter into dozens of tiny pieces. The words are unrecognizable on the shreds of paper, but Haru leaves the envelope whole-- no matter how much it riles him to see Makoto's name written out so carefully by another. He remedies that feeling with another black marker, thinner than the last, but still emphasizing the wrath in Haru's shaky scribble.

_STAY AWAY FROM MAKOTO  
HE WILL NEVER BE YOURS_

He underlines the word "never" twice, but resists the urge to write anything more for now. Using the side of his hand, Haru pushes the pile of scrap into a different envelope, a fresh one, and folds his message in half to make it fit inside. As neatly as he can with his left hand, he writes out Mari's full name and seals the envelope.

Haru knows her schedule from when he'd watched over Makoto before, and his mind is already working out how he would give it to her. Mari had a Physics lab with assigned seating on Thursday evenings. With only a twenty minute gap between it and the lab prior, the door was never locked before her class. It would be easy to step inside once most of the students had gone, slip the letter onto Mari's desk, and leave without anyone realizing that he was out of place.

Haru would have to check up on Kenji, too. The fact that he'd actually gone so far as _kiss_ Makoto as a means of confession is particularly unsettling. Given Makoto's gentle rejection, it wouldn't be surprising if Kenji thought he could get away with it again... or something worse. 

He'd drop something off for Kenji in one of the mailboxes around campus when he left Thursday night. That in mind, Haru grabs a small stack of paper from his desk and starts putting his frustration into words. Writing it all down helps to alleviate some of his pent-up emotions and before Haru knows it, he's written dozens of them. Haru reads them all over, and picks one that's the right level of alarming-- two simple sentences that say all he needs. 

_Don't you dare touch Makoto again. I will be watching._

He finishes preparing the letter just in time to hear the sound of Makoto's keys in the door. The rest of the papers are stuffed into the back of his last desk drawer, and the envelopes slide into his school bag.

"Haru, I'm back!" Makoto calls out from the entry way. After confirming that everything is out of sight, Haru stands from his desk, and joins Makoto in the den. He asks about his day, and listens particularly closely for any mentions of Mari or Kenji.

"Haru," Makoto says suddenly, interrupting himself in the middle of a story, "what happened?" He reaches out for Haru's hand, concern written in the lines of his brow. His fingers gently run over the small marks in Haru's palm as he frowns.

Haru's eyes widen slightly, and he says the first excuse that comes to his head. "Oh... I did it in my sleep while taking a nap earlier. It doesn't hurt." 

"At least make sure it doesn't get infected," Makoto says with a bit of exasperation. He heads into the bathroom for a small tube of antibiotic gel, which he rubs gently into Haru's cuts. Watching him fuss over such a minor wound makes it hard for Haru to resist a smile.

"What?" Makoto asks as spots Haru's amused expression.

Haru decides to give a completely straightforward answer. "I was just thinking about how much I love you."

Those words stun Makoto for a few seconds, and a deep flush comes to his cheeks as he murmurs, "H-Haru..." 

The thought of anyone else eliciting such an expression from Makoto is almost powerful enough to negate Haru's delight.

 

Thursday night's deliveries go off without a hitch. The reaction is almost immediate, to Haru's satisfaction. The very next day, Mari tells Makoto that she would be waiting for a friend today, and that he should walk to the Math building without her.

Kenji doesn't hover around Makoto on Monday morning, instead maintaining a proper distance between them. He is obviously unsettled, and stopped many times to cast a brief look to see if he is being watched. Haru makes sure to avoid his line of sight.

Still, Kenji's paranoia makes Haru decide not to follow Makoto to his study group on Wednesday. Nothing should happen... at least, that's what Haru thinks, when Makoto returns, a troubled expression on his face. 

His first reaction is one of fury-- Kenji must have done something else-- or maybe Mari? "What's wrong?" he asks right away. If Makoto says it's nothing and tries to hide it again, Haru doesn't know what he might do.

"Haru..." Makoto says, his lips curving even more deeply. "Kenji asked me if you've been getting any weird messages. He said he was worried that I might have a stalker." 

A stalker? Haru feels a flare of anger at the notion. He isn't _stalking_ Makoto, he was just keeping an eye on what was his, and making sure no one took advantage of him... Makoto is so gullible sometimes, never distrusting anyone. Haru has to protect him. 

Then, Haru thinks better of it. Looking from an outsiders view, if there was someone else who wanted Makoto, Haru would be a prime target as both his boyfriend and roommate. It would seem extremely suspicious if he hadn't received anything at all. 

He presses his lips together for a long moment, and Makoto becomes worried over his silence. "Haru?" he asks tentatively. 

"...I didn't want Makoto to find out..." Haru says finally, standing. Makoto's eyes widen, but Haru interrupts him before he can speak, "I'll be right back. Wait here." He goes into his room and opens the bottom drawer of his desk, the one he'd filled with his drafted messages to Kenji. He grabs four off the top and chooses the two that look the least like his handwriting.

He brings them back to the living room, and says, "I found these two slipped under the door last week."

Makoto takes in a sharp breath as he sees the sheets of paper. He reads the first message aloud, "Makoto is mine. Leave him alone, or else..." The nervous expression on his face only becomes more frightened as he continues with the second, "I will never, ever let you have him. Stay away from Makoto if you know what's best for you." Then, he raises his eyes to Haru, "Haru! Why didn't you tell me!?"

"Because those messages are meaningless." Haru reaches out for Makoto's shaking hand, and swears, "I won't let anyone take you away from me. Do you think I'd be scared over ink and paper?"

"It's not about whether or not you're scared! If they know where we live... what if they try to hurt you?" Makoto's voice is still high and breathy as he clutches Haru's fingers. Haru remembers when Makoto used to be so much smaller, smaller than him, and the same need as back then rises in his chest-- the need to safeguard Makoto, no matter the cost.

"I'll make sure nothing happens to you, or me, or us," Haru says firmly, pulling Makoto's large body against his and stroking through his hair. He continues the comforting action until he feels Makoto's pounding heartbeat calm down. "I will protect you, Makoto," he promises in a whisper. But to do that...

Haru draws back, looking at Makoto's face. "Makoto. I'm more worried about your friends. I can take care of us, but... they might not be so lucky."

Makoto swallows tightly. "We... should talk to the police."

"I don't think that's a good idea. If that person finds out, they might try to do something crazy..." Haru frowns. "I know if anyone got hurt because of this, you would end up blaming yourself. I don't want you to ever feel that way."

Makoto looks at him, a sliver of desperation working its way into his voice, "Then what are we supposed to do, Haru?"

"I think it's best if you... stop seeing your friends for awhile." It's difficult for Haru to keep his tone level and soft when he says it. "Until everything blows over."

Makoto chews on his bottom lip. "But what if it doesn't get better?"

"If the messages keep coming, or get worse, we'll make a report," Haru tells him. He watches Makoto think it over, obviously uncomfortable with the possibility, but wanting to believe in the best possible outcome. But as Makoto comes to his decision, and he nods, the one thing shining in his eyes is his belief in Haru, and his words.

"Okay."

 

Haru's mood improves over the next week. Makoto comes directly home after class, like he used to the first year, and the only thing he has to talk to Haru about are his courses. Haru tries hard to contain his joy, so that Makoto doesn't think he is enjoying the turn of events, but Makoto knows him almost as much as he knows himself.

"You look happy," Makoto says suddenly, the Wednesday evening he normally would have gone to his study group. It almost sounds like an accusation to Haru's ears, and he has to suppress every urge to flinch under Makoto's gaze.

Haru is honest, although not earnestly so. "...It's nice to have you home for dinner again."

"Haha, you're right," Makoto says with small smile, one that doesn't quite reach his eyes. Haru tells himself that it's nothing.

 

The charade doesn't last for nearly as long as he'd hoped.

"Makoto? I'm home." Makoto's class ends an hour before Haru's, and he was usually right in the living room when Haru came home. A quick glance around the house and Haru finds it to be empty. Makoto isn't in his room, or the bathroom. Had he... decided to go somewhere with someone else? 

No, surely Makoto had to be doing something totally innocent. Maybe Makoto had gotten hungry, and left to pick up some food or groceries? But he would have send a text or something to let him know if that was the case, wouldn't he?

Haru pulls out his phone to select Makoto from his list of contacts, and opens the door to his room.

Suddenly, the sound of Makoto's ringtone, incredibly close, and--

Makoto. Sitting at Haru's desk, looking at him with an expression of dread and disbelief, countless wrinkled papers with bold, black, threatening text strewn across the tabletop.

"Haru," Makoto says, voice small and strained. "Did... did you do this?"

Haru's first instinct is to lie. "I'm sorry," he says, trying to stay calm, "More have been coming to the apartment... I've been keeping it a secret."

Makoto's lips tremble, or rather, his whole body is. "Haru! I know you're not telling the truth. Most of them... they're just scribbled out fast. But the ones written more neatly... it's definitely Haru's handwriting!" Makoto sounds unlike Haru has ever heard it before. Not quite angry, more outraged, confused, upset.

"Why, Haru...?” Makoto looks like he's about to cry. “Why did you do this?"

"I told you," Haru answers flatly, hoping that Makoto will understand him if he tells the truth. “I'll do whatever it takes to protect us. I won't let anyone try to take you away."

"What?" Makoto seems shocked by his reasoning, which sends anger pulsing through Haru's veins. How can Makoto be so naive? Even if it was a part of his character, if he was at least aware, then Haru's job wouldn't be so difficult!

"Kenji kissed you, didn't he!?" Makoto freezes, eyes wide at Haru's yell. "And that girl, Mari... she was going to send you a letter confessing her love! But Makoto... Makoto is always so oblivious to what he does to everyone... You were leading them on with your friendship, because you're too nice to make them give up on you even though you're with me!"

"Haru... how do you know about all those things?"

Haru's eyes narrow, and he fixes his gaze on Makoto's face. "The real question is, why Makoto didn't tell me about any of it?"

"I didn't want you to worry..." Makoto tries, but Haru won't accept it immediately.

"I hate it when you hide things from me!" Haru's fists are balled into tight fists, "You try to convince me that everything's in my head, but then you don't tell me what's going on. Do... you hate me that much, Makoto?"

"You know I love you, Haru, but..." Makoto's eyes shut tightly, and his voice rising as he says, "I hate you when you're like this!"

Haru feels the life go out of him.

"You... hate me, Makoto?" 

He thought it would be okay if he acted honestly around Makoto, and gave into those possessive urges. That even if Makoto found out, nothing bad would happen, because Makoto had always understood him, no matter what. Haru knew that Makoto would accept even the darkest, most horrible parts of him. Makoto had always been there, and nothing would be able to separate them. Makoto was always... always... always...

But... Makoto hates him?

Makoto said he hates him? 

Makoto hates him when he's like this, even though this is who he is at the very core?

He should have just kept it hidden forever, if Makoto was going to hate him for it...

No... Haru's eyes widen with realization. Makoto couldn't hate him, not after so long! How could Haru doubt their relationship after all the years they'd had together? A relieved laugh spills from his lips, all those dreadful thoughts from before making way for a much more rational explanation. 

"Makoto..." he says, smiling, "I see... You're lying again." Haru shakes his head, looking at Makoto's disbelieving expression. "I was really shocked at first... but I can tell that you're lying. After all, I understand Makoto's heart better than anyone."

"You're scared for me, aren't you, Makoto? You don't want me to hurt anyone or send threats, because then I might get in trouble?" Of course, that was it. Makoto was always so thoughtful when it came to him... He wasn't trying to upset Haru, he was trying to protect him. He wanted Haru to change his ways, so that they could stay together forever. "You don't need to do all that for me. I'm the one who will do the protecting. I'll never let anyone get between us, ever."

Makoto's expression slowly shifts, until he looks genuinely apologetic and nods his head. "I know... I'm sorry, Haru."

Haru bites his bottom lip, Makoto's love for him made his chest warm. "If... you're that scared for me, then I will stop," he says. "But Makoto has to promise. No matter what, you have to be with me forever. Until we die, and even after that." Haru's words come out quickly, uneven with emotion.

"Haru..." 

"Do you love me?" Haru asks him, knowing the answer.

"Of course I do, Haru. Even when I get scared and worried, I still love you," Makoto's voice sounds sincere, even as it quivers slightly. He presses his lips together, and looks at Haru pleadingly. "...Will you really stop if I promise...?"

"Yes," Haru says.

Makoto gazes into his eyes, then says, soft and sure, "I promise. I want to be with Haru, too. No matter what."

Haru steps forward, embracing Makoto tightly for what feels like forever. Makoto hugs him back, and when he draws back, smiles at him. Everything almost feels like it's returned to normal-- but it hasn't. It's better than normal. With those shared words, their bond has grown even stronger.

"This weekend, I want to go somewhere. Just the two of us," Haru murmurs slowly, an idea forming in his head.

 

The place Haru had picked was Rainbow Bridge. In the evening, the view over Tokyo Bay was amazing; the city lights were distinct against the dark sky, glittering like colored stars in the distance. Even with the sound of traffic close by, it was easy to get lost in the sight.

"It's so beautiful. I'm really kicking myself over forgetting my phone now..." Makoto says as they walk the length of the bridge, looking out over the water. He'd only realized that his phone was missing when they were already on the subway platform. They were cutting it close to make it on the bridge before it closed, and Haru had his phone. As long as they stuck together, Makoto didn't have any real need for his own.

Haru thinks that it's even more lovely on the Odaiba side stairway. There was no fence along the stairs, leaving their view of the bay completely unobstructed. 

Haru moves next to Makoto, linking their hands without fear of being seen now. He takes in a deep breath and speaks from the heart, "I'd... sacrifice anything for you, Makoto. Even if... even if I could never swim again. It doesn't mean anything if Makoto isn't there."

A few seconds go by without a word, and Haru is worried that Makoto won't say anything in reply. Then, Makoto squeezes his hand tightly, and says, "Me, too."

"Even your dreams?" Haru asks, his body tensing in reflex.

At that, Makoto gives him a smile that is equal parts affectionate and resigned. "That's a silly question, isn't it? Not being able to fulfill my dreams would be sad, but I get it... how much Haru needs me. I don't think I could forgive myself if I ever left you alone."

Even though Haru knew that Makoto would answer that way, it's so different when he actually hears it from his mouth. The words bring such a flood of relief, and Haru finds his eyes burning from the rush of emotion.

When Haru inhales sharply, Makoto looks down at him and yelps at his unshed tears, "Haru! What's wrong?!" 

Haru laughs weakly and gives him a smile, "I'm just so happy..." He presses against Makoto's side, bracing against the wind with his warm body.

Now that he had confirmed the truth, Haru could steel himself for what was to come. He had gone over how to do it in his head, over and over again, and he'd spent hours on the note alone. 

( _It's impossible for two people to stay together forever in life. After much thought, this is the only way we could make sure we won't have to life without each other. It's not anyone's fault. Things are better like this. Instead of sadness, you should try to be happy for us. Goodbye._ Handwritten on a sheet of stationery, signed, and left on the table in their living room.)

Haru swallows, exhales, and opens the green phone he'd swiped before they left the house behind Makoto's back. The message is typed slowly, quietly, so his keying isn't heard.

>>Thank you all for everything. Goodbye.

Send to all contacts. A draft with the same short message is saved on Haru's phone, ready for this very moment; he repeats the action with it, then, once the messages are sent, turns both phones off.

"Haru?" Makoto raises his eyebrow, curious as he feels Haru fidgeting wordlessly against him.

"I was just wondering if the water was cold," Haru says, his smile twisting slightly as he pulls away. He leans far over the railing until--

"H-Haru!"

_Splash._


End file.
